In order to 10X your impact as a female leader, you have to shift your inner reality to be more positive. This takes work. Your mind is not wired for happiness; it’s wired for survival. That’s why 80% of your organic thinking is negative. It’s scanning for negative happenings in your environment from which to protect you.
So please don’t feel ashamed if you’ve not been a happy camper. And don’t feel guilty if you haven’t accomplished all that you think you should.
The truth is that with the current state of the union of your mind (without doing work to shift your neural pathways), to attain ANY goal is quite an accomplishment. Add to that the trauma that the entire world has experienced the last 3 years, and it’s a wonder we get anything done.
Shift Your Inner Reality
The good news is that the ONLY action you need to take to 10X your impact is to shift your inner reality. When you begin to see yourself as a whole person and fully integrate all parts of you, including all those pesky saboteur parts, you start to settle down and feel more safe within yourself. Other people show up differently because they feel a change in you that gives them more safety.
I decided to write on this topic because of relationship conflicts from a few months ago. I was accused of having a negative impact on someone close to me. Another person told me she didn’t want to continue to pursue a relationship with me due to complex emotions.
Knowing others show up differently when we feel safe to them, I began to explore this topic more deeply. How was I showing up before in a way that felt unsafe to people I love?
Angie’s Story Of Negative Impact
This past Nov-Dec 2022, I experienced some relationship difficulties with 3 people who I considered to be very close, inner circle people in my life. Let me define that. These were people who I at one time felt very close with and shared my innermost thoughts, feelings and heart. I love them and care deeply about them.
I’m not referring to my husband or parents. I also don’t want to say who they are because I want to protect their identity. And who it is is really not as important as sharing what I experienced and how I’m navigating it.
In my initial perception, these 3 individuals (two of them are a couple, and the other is an individual in an unrelated situation) wrote me off very unfairly. Both are complex situations in that we have a lot of history, more so with the couple.
They Projected On Me
In both instances, I felt projected upon by their own fearful belief systems. They were telling a story about me in their own minds that didn’t resemble my reality. I felt gaslighted by their explanations of why they were not happy with me because they made no sense. For example, I’m too zealous with my self-care.
I felt the most hurt by the couple who basically rejected the essence of who I am, a healer and energy worker. Some might call this being “canceled” in today’s jargon. Further, the man repeatedly told me that I’ve had a negative impact on the woman. He stated that people need to be more concerned about their impact on others rather than taking personal responsibility.
I Felt Like A Victim
After this conversation, I felt very hurt and blindsided. I felt like a victim, “They are so mean. It’s so unfair and one-sided. They aren’t taking any responsibility and are totally projecting onto me.” I apologized for any negative impact I may have unknowingly caused. But I unconsciously closed my heart to fully loving them.
I still felt hurt the next day. But by day three, I was feeling much better and still do to this day. I feel remorse for having a negative impact on someone I care about. Plus, the other person is always at least 10% right about what they’re judging us about. We all have our blind spots and don’t see our stuff. Others see it as clear as day, but we don’t.
There Is Good News
Even the though the above seems pretty dismal, it really isn’t. Events happen. They aren’t the problem. What we make those events mean is what causes the suffering. I am not worried about the relationship with this couple. I know we love each other, and we will work out our differences.
It’s up to me to decide how I’m going to respond. Will I shut off my heart because I feel ashamed of hurting them, and now I feel hurt? This is how we perpetuate family cycles of drama and suffering. I’m guilty of shutting my heart off when I believe I’ve been unfairly treated by others, a/k/a holding grudges and resentments.
Who Will Stop The Cycle Of Revenge?
Where will this cycle of revenge end? We have to start by having an honest conversation with each other. I’ve been a long-time proponent of the belief: “To preserve a healthy relationship, we need to have sincere conversations, where we express what’s really going on for us.”
My job is to keep my heart open and keep loving others, to NOT take things personally, even if THEY think it’s personal. In this way, if and when the person releases their unforgiveness, I’ll be around to welcome them with open arms.
My work is to shift my inner reality so that it is “Angie friendly.” I can be my own best friend, my own Loving Self-Advocate without rejecting others.
Stop Being Apologetic
By being kind and loyal to myself, I am loving, accepting and forgiving myself for my past. The man in the story above had an over-the-top reaction to something that had nothing to do with me this last year. He seemed very annoyed by a particular health practice that I didn’t create nor do I do. He took it out on me personally. I could have gotten very angry.
Instead I sat down, looked him in the eye, and said, “Look, we don’t have to share the same beliefs or values. But what I do ask is that we have respect for each other.”
I didn’t grovel or apologize for seeing things in a different way. I stood my ground, with self-respect, because I know who I am. I deserve respect. I choose to own my value as a worthy human being having a spiritual experience. And you deserve this too. You are a leader.
Start Wearing The Villain Crown
Kelly Brogan, MD, defines the phrase, “wearing the villain crown” as our nervous system getting used to the experience of being bad/wrong in the eyes of someone we care about. We let people have their experience of us, even though we’re sure they are wrong about how wrong we are. She advises that we be willing to meet the part of ourselves that agrees with all of the indictments and judgments being thrown at us by our partner or loved one.
Don’t argue for our rightness. This is not an easy practice, is it? Not defend our self? Really…? I’m made to debate and be correct. Many of my women leader clients tend to control, hyper-achieve and be hyper-rational. Yet, this masculine need to defend our position and prove our rightness keeps us locked in disconnection, loneliness, and unfulfilling relationships.
When we can stop our initial reaction to defend ourselves and “wear the villian crown,” because we know who we are, this liberates us to be ourselves without the mask, and it liberates them to be who they are. It’s a win-win.
Personal Responsibility And Impact
By taking personal responsibility without harsh self-judgment, we free up our energy and make space to love more. In other words, we expand our nervous system capacity as we honestly look at ourselves, “good and bad,” without shame, and accept what we see.
We embrace our wholeness and give all of our past choices the stamp of approval. We give ourselves permission to be imperfect humans. Isn’t this growing up and becoming an adult? No one can paint your inner landscape but you. No one determines your worth but you.
Stay Loyal To Yourself
Yes, people can mistreat you. Your loved ones can die far before you’re ready for them to leave. The world can be a very unfair, harsh place to you. You may have lost faith and trust in Life. At the end of the day, how much can you stay with yourself, not abandon yourself? Self Loyalty.
The more you can do this, when the world is trying 24/7 to get you to follow someone else’s agenda, the more you build your capacity to love unconditionally.
Just for the record, I’ve not got this all figured out or implemented. I’m on a journey. My nervous system is expanding; my leadership is growing simultaneously.
As We Grow, We Feel Safer To Others
The more we can love, accept and forgive ourselves while taking personal responsibility as a leader, the calmer our nerves, our energy, and the more grounded we feel. Why is this such a huge deal?
Others sense this, and as they do, we feel “safer” to them. We gain more of their trust. By managing our own energy, we can have greater impact as a female leader. Personal responsibility and impact are directly related. The more personal responsibility we garner, the more positive impact we can have.
If you’d like to increase your impact, I’m offering my Heal Your Heart Retreat soon, and this would be a wonderful place to start.
Much Love,
Angie Monko,
Life Coach for Intuitive Women Leaders
