Do you strive to meet everyone else’s needs before your own because you don’t want to be seen as selfish? Or have you been hurt so many times by trusting people that you isolate yourself?
Whether you’re surrounded by people or isolated from them, both of these extremes indicate trust and self-esteem issues.
In this blog, I offer 9 secrets to being humble and kind. These suggestions interrupt the doormat behaviors of the people-pleaser and the isolating behaviors of the lonely.
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Need a Recap of the First 3 Attributes?
Foundation for all 9 Loving Self-Advocate attributes
First attribute, Balanced Self-Discipline
Second attribute, Mindset Prosperity
Third attribute, Balanced & Organized
Attribute #4 of a Loving Self Advocate – Humble and Kind
At first glance, these attributes may not resonate with you. Some people confuse being humble with humiliation. They are quite different. Being humble means you are very confident and grounded in who you are and don’t need to prove yourself right. Humiliation typically means feeling embarrassed and wanting to hide something shameful.
Have you equated being kind with being a pushover? Being kind is not being a doormat. There is strength in kindness. We start by being kind to ourselves. When we do this, we set loving boundaries that bless us AND still keep a kind, loving connection with others even when we want and value different things
Why should you want to be kind and humble? Both qualities have a far-reaching impact on fostering healthy connection and relationships.
Which Side of the Relationship Spectrum Do You Fall?
Do you tend to fall on the side of being a People Pleaser? Or are you more on the side of being a Loner? Below are a couple of quizzes. I invite you to answer the one which most resembles your relationship tendency. It may not be easy to answer these questions because they highlight some patterns that you may not be aware of, and if you are, you may not be proud of.
Do persist though because there is nothing to be ashamed about. We do better when we know better. Think of this life journey as a game of sorts, in which you’re always learning and evolving. There aren’t any mistakes. You aren’t a mistake.
Option 1–People Pleaser Quiz (checkmark the statements that resonate with you):
- I try to meet everyone else’s needs before my own because I don’t want to be seen as selfish.
- I bend over backward for others who generally don’t appreciate my efforts. They think I’m really nice because I give a lot, but I resent them and feel like a doormat if they don’t reciprocate.
- I people-please to the point of exhaustion and self-betray because I won’t slow down and take the time for self-care.
- I have lopsided friendships and family relationships where I’m always the one giving, and they are always the ones taking.
- I over-give to clients and potential clients to win their love, affection and approval. When I don’t receive it, I feel resentful and frustrated.
- When I’m a doormat, it drains my energy that I could use in my business and/or career to move forward and to spend quality time with those I love.
The Pleaser originated from your strength, the desire to give and help others, which is noble. However, the strength, when taken too far, becomes a sabotaging, energy-depleting need to care for others at your own expense.
Relationships are considered part of the Emotional Realm (the Love and Belonging and Self Esteem sections of Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs–the middle of the pyramid)–see this blog for more foundation. When we are in healthy loving connection with others, we are trusting ourselves, others and the process of Life itself.
It might seem that if you have Pleaser tendencies you DO trust others because you genuinely like people, but that’s not the case. If you really trusted others, you wouldn’t need to sacrifice yourself for them. You would trust that they love you enough as you are without having to “bend over backward for them.”
I hope this makes sense to you. I’m not trying to be in your face with this information. Chew on it and process this over the next few days.
Ask a curiosity question: “How can I foster healthier relationships by taking care of myself first?”
Option 2– Loner Quiz (checkmark the statements that resonate with you):
- I have long since given up trying to make others happy because it’s impossible. I am isolated, lonely and disconnected from the world.
- I am having few human interactions, but I have a lot of mind chatter and anger and resentment.
- I disconnect from others because I will never be able to trust them or win their approval.
- I feel jaded and resigned that things will always be this way.
- I’m up in my head a lot, self-protected, and probably insensitive to others’ needs.
- Life feels unfair. I get annoyed when others mirror this back to me through complaining.
- I can’t truly give of myself and serve as effectively as I’d like due to my distrust of people and feeling victimized by circumstances.
If you resonate with any of these statements, you fall in the Loner camp. You have a high need to be independent and “go it alone.” This stems from a natural distrust of others’ ability to support you and meet your needs. You’ve found it much easier to rely on yourself to get your needs met because you at least know what to expect.
With others, it’s a gamble, and generally, you’ve lost that bet too many times to feel good about making yourself vulnerable in relationships.
The Loner originated from your strength of resilience and resourcefulness. But these independent qualities, taken too far, lead to loneliness and disconnection
Get curious with a good question: “How can I begin to feel safe enough in my own nervous system to begin to trust others more?”
9 Steps For Being Humble and Kind as a Loving Self Advocate
1) I Let Myself Be Me and They Be Them
Others’ may have totally different views of life than you, and you realize there is room enough in this world for both of you. When you can release the need for them to be like you, and still love them even if they disagree with you, that is FREEDOM. You respect their need to be, look, and act differently than you.
2) My Needs Are Important
I am resourceful about getting my needs met in a healthy way because I value myself. I realize when I’m isolating and being overly independent in meeting my own needs. When that’s the case, I reach out to a trusted friend or family member and tell them, “Hey I think I’m trying to go it alone. Want to grab a movie together?”
If I’m struggling emotionally, physically or spiritually, I reach out and ask for help, “Hey do you have a minute to talk? I feel like I need someone to listen. I don’t need advice, but a caring ear.”
3) I’m a Giver and a Receiver
I’m practicing giving and receiving, and so my relationships are more reciprocal, less lopsided and out of balance. Whereas I used to always make sure to be the giver, so I could feel the rush of dopamine, now I allow others to give to me too. I see how it was selfish of me to be the only one to give.
Receiving takes courage. It takes me seeing my own self-worth and believing I deserve good things in life. Now I know that’s true.
4) I Am Worth Being Well-Compensated & Valued
If I own my own business, I charge what I believe I’m worth, in exchange for the massive value I create for my clients. I aim to give irresistible, generous offers that benefit me and my clients equally.
If I’m employed, I ask my employer for a raise if I feel it’s warranted. I don’t allow myself to be taken advantage of when it comes to working unreasonable amounts of overtime.
5) Am Open and Receptive to Feedback
I am open to receiving feedback and insights about myself that may not be favorable. I realize when people frustrate or annoy me that they are mirroring back to me things that I haven’t accepted within myself. I don’t harshly judge myself when I become aware of my shortcomings. Instead, I gently nudge myself in the direction of my highest good.
6) I Stay On My Side of The Street
I make a point of staying on my side of the street and refraining from blaming others for my thoughts and feelings. After all, I am perceiving the world, not them. I then seek to change myself first before expecting them to change to make me comfortable.
This requires me to let my EGO down and take responsibility for my thoughts, feelings, and actions. The upside to this new way of thinking is that I no longer feel responsible for others’ actions, thoughts or feelings. Therefore, I’ve stopped taking over-responsibility for them, and this has freed up a lot of my energy.
7) I Don’t Take NO Personally
When I feel rejected by friends, family or clients, and/or potential clients, I don’t take it personally but give them the benefit of doubt that they’re busy and it slipped through cracks
It’s okay if people say no to my requests. This gives me clarity rather than resentment. I no longer need to orchestrate and/or manipulate outcomes if it’s overpowering and disrespectful of others
When people don’t return my calls/emails/texts, I pretend that I’m calling for the first time. I act as if I’m loved and valuable no matter what others do or say.
8) I Choose The Best Feeling Thought
I choose the thought that feels best for me. If a current thought causes me suffering, I question it and consider changing that thought pattern to one that serves me to feel happier and more supported in this world. I’ve given up the notion that I’m being duped or naive for believing something that I can’t prove. For example, I have decided that I’m supported by a loving God and that Life itself supports me.
9) I Honor My Need to Relax
I take time to relax if I am tired or unmotivated to work. In this way, I honor myself and don’t “push through” things. In order to be the best me, I need to replenish my energy, celebrate myself, and reward myself for all of the things I’m doing right. I’ve stopped focusing on all the things I’ve still not done or haven’t done well enough.
This allows my nervous system to calm down and relax. It’s not procrastination as long as I’m not consistently avoiding responsibilities.
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