Lately it feels like I’ve worn my feelings around on my sleeves. They feel raw and real. Life feels a bit
out of control.
You see, I’ve set an intention that I want to feel safe and secure regardless of outer circumstances. In reality, I don’t control what happens outside of my own perception.
But that doesn’t stop us highly sensitive people from trying to control our outer circumstances to help us feel safe.
Below is my journal entry verbatim for Sunday, 10/7/18.
Note that I express my feelings, but I don’t take them so seriously as you might think. Feelings are like the
wind and change constantly. They’re movements of energy.
Just for context. My daughter, Maddie (22), has cystic fibrosis. Prior to this entry, I’d been looking at Facebook and seeing mothers with young, vibrant daughters around Maddie’s age who are getting married and having babies.
It made me so sad to think that Maddie is being cheated of all of these experiences, and I suffer when she does.
I had been looking at pictures of her about 3 years ago when she looked so incredibly beautiful, and I’ve been watching her waste away to 80 pounds, thinning hair, and, from appearances, lower self-esteem.
“I just had a good cry and feel better. It still feels like life is so unfair and so unpredictable. It’s easier to hide and not dance.
I’m seeing through lenses that thick hair versus thin is a problem, that health versus sickness is a problem, in essence that life versus death is a problem. Isn’t it?
What if it isn’t? Who would I be without the thought that Maddie should somehow be different?
At peace.
In fact, she SHOULD be the way she is because she IS. I might be WITH HER more, more present to her
if I allow her to be HER.”
If my true intention is to feel safe and secure despite what’s going on around me, then all hell could break loose, and I’d feel OK.
The more I feel out of control, the more I try to control.
Do you ever have these thoughts:
I wish my kids would just listen to me!
Why can’t my husband be nicer to me?
They are ignoring me. Why are people so passive-aggressive?
Why can’t they be more direct and considerate?
I am so tired of being blamed for everyone else’s stuff!
Why can’t everyone get along?
Why does she have to complain so much?
Why can’t they just tell me YES or NO?
And on and on….
All of these thoughts indicate I’m feeling like a victim to life’s circumstances, and it’s ME who is blaming THEM and judging THEM.
I do have these thoughts, and I DON’T WANT TO perpetuate these beliefs. It’s hard to take personal
responsibility for these thoughts, AND it IS possible.
We just need to be willing to give up the benefits of blaming. The benefits are that I don’t have to be wrong, someone else can be. I can be right. I can artificially inflate my EGO and protect myself.
My hope is that this blog raises awareness for you. It certainly does for me.
If you’d like to work on trusting yourself and the process of life, giving up the Control Freak role, and
replacing it with Inner Peace, join me this Thursday for The Frontier to Freedom tapping workshop.
Courageously,
Angie Monko
