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Why do we try to control so much? I asked myself
this question.

When I think back to my childhood, I didn’t feel safe
in my environment because there was chaos and family
trauma happening around me.

My dad’s mood was unpredictable, and this caused me
a lot of anxiety. Would he want to eat ice cream or hit
my mom?

I Cleaned and Ate to Feel More in Control

The way I coped with this was two fold. I played with my
Barbies and created a safe, organized space that I
controlled. As an adult, I still do the same.

A couple weekends before Maddie, my daughter, turned
very ill and passed away last October 2018, I frantically started
cleaning out paperwork files and book shelves for several

Cleaning helps me to feel safe and in control. Of course, it
can be taken to an extreme if we avoid life and our feelings.
Typically I’m aware when I’m doing it and I let that be OK.
It’s a comfort to my little girl inside of me.

The second way I cope with feeling out of control is to eat.
As a girl, I found great comfort in sugar cookies/white cake/
white icing and potato chips and French onion dip.

It soothed my anxiety. It made me forget a while, that my
life wasn’t safe. If I hadn’t had my Mom and Grandma to
comfort me, I don’t know where I’d be today.

So why do I try to control? To help me feel better, soothed.
I do it when I feel fear and out of control. I want to feel like life
is predictable. What about you?

Winchester—I let him come to me by holding a loving space

On Monday of this week, I visited a friend, Kit Maxwell, and
she let me hang out with her horses, Sunna and Winchester.

It was a very healing experience for me. I stepped into the
arena with Winchester, a 22 year old gelding. I chose him
because he was very sweet and the same age as Maddie.

My intention was to be okay with me, regardless of outcome,
whether Winchester approached me or ignored me.

As I started to walk around the periphery of the arena, he’d
follow me a little bit, but he kept getting stuck at the gate
entrance, distracted by his other horse friends that he could
see standing at the top of the hill.

I decided that was OK. At first I wanted him to pay attention
to me, but then I lovingly thought, “Ahhh…Winchester, you’re getting
stuck at the gate.” So what?

I just kept walking and he began to walk right beside me. He went
3 full circles with me, and then I stopped to caress him for a long
time, and he let me. It was very special!

When I held a loving space for Winchester and didn’t take his
avoidance personally, HE CAME TO ME.

Sunna—The ones who have the hardest time “giving
it up” often have the most to give

Next, Kit did a guided meditation with me and Sunna, the wild
Mustang. She was a rescue horse, and it took her some time
to trust humans. But she was very sweet, and in the meditation
her message to me:

“You are lovable and good enough. Meet people where they’re
at and enjoy the journey with them. Just love them without
attachment to outcomes.”

I also wrote a letter to Sunna (which means Nordic goddess of

“Dear Sunna, I wish I could have spent more time with you and
understand your pain and story more. I am grateful for your
lovely beauty and deep, heartfelt gaze. I can connect with your

I love that you are a wild mustang who experienced trauma,
but this history didn’t kill you or stomp your spirit. It made you
stronger, more powerful, more real.

I would like to remember your compassionate warrior spirit
and transfer that to me.

Your sensitive nature I appreciate because I’m that way too.
I, like you, want to be able to transform my gift of sensitivity
to a resiliency of essence/spirit.”

Kit then asked me to read this letter as if I was writing it to myself.
It was what I needed to hear. Then Kit said the most wise thing
to me, “The ones who have the hardest time giving it up often
have the most to give.”

When we have a hard time “giving it up” and trusting the process
of life, it’s probably because we have such a capacity for love
and giving. I bet you do too.

Morgan and I are all about helping you radically accept
yourself and surrender what we cannot control.

Click here to subscribe to my and Morgan’s youtube channel
to hear about more topics on how to stop people pleasing
and start living and loving fully.


Angie Monko

PS: If you want to become part of an intimate group of women
who are all about living the fullest expression of their best selves,
let’s chat. Schedule a Loving Self-Advocate Strategy session with
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