This month, we are talking about how we don’t feel safe
to be ourselves around friends and family. The term selfishness
is often used to manipulate others to do what we want them to,
or it’s used to manipulate us to do other’s bidding.
It is tied in with people pleasing because often times we may
feel ‘selfish’ when we want or need things.
We’ve a Blind Spot Around the Notion of Being Selfish
A friend of mine a wants a divorce and feels guilty and
ashamed for splitting up her family. When I asked her if she feels
selfish, she said no, I feel guilty for making choices that will hurt
my family. In other words, she feels selfish. She just didn’t want to
We have a blind spot around the notion of being selfish because
we’ve been programmed to believe it’s such an awful, deplorable
thing. It feels too painful to admit this trait or too wrong.
First of all, my friend is assuming that getting divorced will hurt
her husband and kids. But what if it’s the best thing and allows
the kids a potential opportunity to witness a healthier
relationship for their parents? What if it allows her husband to
grow and become more independent if he’s on his own?
Selfish is Such a Subjective Term
Selfish is such a subjective term. I ask you to consider the
notion more deeply, not as a self-justifying, intellectual exercise
designed to help you cleverly relieve guilt so you can get
your own way. I really want you to consider the beliefs around
What if selfish is the ONLY way we can be because we can
truly only see and experience life through our own eyes, no one else’s…
Google definition of Selfish: (of a person, action, or motive) lacking
consideration for others; concerned chiefly with one’s own personal
profit or pleasure.
That sounds pretty bad, huh? It’s about right up there with a narcissist.
nar·cis·sist: a person who has an excessive interest in or admiration of themselves.
Our Very Nature MUST Be Selfish
By our very nature, we MUST be selfish because we have no other
vantage point from which to view reality. And that’s a good thing.
We’ve been so programmed that giving is so noble, and that receiving…
well….isn’t. It’s more selfish. I submit to you that OVER-giving is just
as “selfish” as not receiving enough FOR YOU.
We MUST put our own oxygen mask on first to be truly happy and
effective. And if we really want to get excited about a dream, it’s
totally OK to have selfish desires, as long as we aren’t harming
We Serve the World Better When We Serve Ourselves FIRST
When we selfishly follow our heart, we are doing the world a
service because we will show up more authentically, with more
passion and as an example of someone who really knows how to live.
This will improve our relationships with friends and family, at
least with those who truly care about us. And if they don’t care,
well, you know we don’t control that…and you have permission
to STILL take care of you, and let the cards fall where they may.
As my Grandma Eller always used to quote that Doris Day song,
“Que Sera Sera….Whatever will be, will be. The future’s not ours
to see. Que Sera, Sera. What will be, will be!”
Morgan shared how the idea of taking a girls’ night out left
her feeling selfish until her husband, Jared, encouraged her
to go out and have fun. She needed this permission to make
it OK in her mind.
Make it OK to Take Time, Spend Money & Love YOU
Do what you need to do make it OK in your mind that you are
worth taking time for you, spending money on you, loving you.
This isn’t selfish or narcissistic, it’s required healthy self-leadership
to my bias.
What if selfish is nothing more than self-carish? When we put
our needs first, we can be free to be so much more open to
others’ needs too.
Tip: Think deeply and consider changing your definition of selfish
to one that better serves YOU and all of humanity.
Join our private Facebook Group, The Shifters—Women’s Holistic
Empowerment because Life’s Too Short To Be Anything
Other Than YOU!
To being selfishly YOU,