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Do you find yourself protecting your heart from others because you don’t trust them?

You might tell yourself that people don’t stick to their word on things. They are so wishy-washy.  Why SHOULD you trust them? Why should you love them because they aren’t safe to love.

Today I want to talk about the 8th attribute of a Worthy Self-Advocate (WSA)– to be loving, not controlling. A WSA is someone who relates to herself and others with courage, authenticity and kindness and knows she’s enough.

If I’m brutally honest with myself, this is one area that I definitely need to improve upon, especially with my immediate family.

I’m reminded of a story that Alex Loyd (author and creator of the Healing Codes) tells.

He’s been married to his wife, Hope, now for 29 years. But 3 years into their marriage, she asked him to move out. He was struggling financially, was having some health issues, and said he was acting like
an idiot.

He began to look within for the answers.  When he got really honest with himself, he realized that the way he’d been showing up for Hope hadn’t been loving at all.

He put so many conditions on her, so many expectations of what a wife should do for him. If she didn’t do as he wanted, he’d withhold his love.  He was practicing what he calls “Business Deal Love.”

Business Deal Love or What’s In It For ME? love may look like love, but it’s really just an attempt to control someone to get what we want. It’s about keeping score or track of what the other person
does or doesn’t do.

Once he understood this, he was determined to change his ways.

So he made a decision to love without a safety net and BE ALL IN– forever. This is what True Love is; it’s not conditional but forgiving.

Isn’t that what we all want after all? We want others to accept us as we are right now.  Can we do the same for others?

There are two extremes to this kind of conditional loving, both resulting from fear. In one extreme we are very clingy and vocal, and with the other, we are cold and aloof.

One Extreme: I need others to love and approve of me to feel okay, and so I have a tendency to smother others with my neediness and demands. I’m very vocal about this.

a. I try to control others by withholding my love if they disappoint me, don’t do as I expect, or have different beliefs. This may be obvious or covert.
b. I judge and label others when they disagree with me, and I close my heart off to them as a form of self-protection.
c. When clients don’t behave in a manner I think they should, or they blame me for their results, I defend myself rather than staying open and inviting questions for deeper understanding and connection.

Other Extreme: I need others to validate my worth, and I inwardly resent them for having that much power over me.

a. Loving others is a lost cause because they’ll let me down, and so I reject them before they have a chance to hurt me.
b. I am aloof, cold, and distant and make little effort to connect with others.
c. I have a difficult time building relationships with clients and family alike because I don’t trust myself or them to stay committed to the relationship.

Worthy Self-Advocate Behaviors:

a. I’m okay if people disagree with my outlooks and beliefs about life because I don’t take their views a personal attack against me. I still love and accept them.
b. To grow my business, I persist with having effective sales conversations, and I respect others whether they say yes or no to me.
c. I build long-term relationships based on trust, and it starts by trusting and being committed to me no matter what others say or do.
d. I love others with a mature, patient love, without putting conditions on them to change.
e. I let others know the true me, even if it feels scary, thus creating intimate connection.
f. I create authentic relationships that are the basis of a happy life and fulfilling business by being courageous, vulnerable, and real.

To love unconditionally is very uncommon.  So don’t beat yourself up if you aren’t there. I’m certainly not.  But by being aware that I want to MOVE TOWARD unconditional love, I will improve and so will you.

It starts with you loving you.  Come join me this Thursday night at The Frontier to Freedom workshop.  The whole purpose is to help you love, accept and forgive yourself so that you can feel worthy of receiving joy, peace and love.

Sounds soft, huh? That’s OK. We need to be softer, kinder, gentler on ourselves so that we can extend that love to others.

Register here.  Hope to see  you Thursday!


Angie Monko