About 13 years ago I learned about this concept called Victim versus Responsible.
According to the teaching, a victim blames everyone and everything for how life is unfairly folding for them. Instead, we want to be response-able and take ownership of our thoughts, feelings and actions.
Anyhow, I taught this concept to my daughters who were around 9 and 10 years old. And one day, Maddie or Chelsea(I can’t remember which) was complaining and really annoying me.
So I began this annoying practice of putting my first and second fingers into a V on my forehead and saying, “You’re being a Victim.”
Yah, I’m not too proud of this! I very soon realized that in fact, I was the one being a victim when I did this. I was being very self-righteous because of some newfound life coaching knowledge.
Can you relate? Often times, when we first learn a new concept but don’t really know how to apply it, we can be unaware and come off as real preachy or advice-giving.
This brings me to the 5th of 9 Worthy Self-Advocate (WSA) Attributes, to be Responsible, not Righteous. A WSA is someone who relates to herself and others with courage, authenticity and kindness and knows she’s enough.
One Extreme: I feel overly responsible for outcomes to the point that I become self-righteous and “advise” others when not solicited because my advice is superior. There is lots of physical activity going on in my world.
a. I tend to be a busy body and am up in everybody’s business, “taking on” their energy.
b. I resent that everyone relies on me for family functions and to keep things together in general. Things would fall apart if it weren’t for me.
c. I am responsible for how everyone feels. I like to play God because I’m good at it.
d. My attempts at control are exhausting because they don’t always listen to me. I feel leveraged by their
willingness to do as I want them to.
e. I blame others and get on their side of the street, deflecting the attention from my own controlling behavior.
Other Extreme: I feel inept at relationships and take a “hands off” approach to them. People are messy, and I have a hard enough time being responsible for my own life, let alone theirs.
a. I tend to isolate and not take responsibility for my own feelings.
b. I blame others for not respecting my opinions.
c. My life feels unfair and everyone else has it so much easier because I have (mental challenges, disabilities, etc.)—poor me. Feel sorry for me.
d. I never really allow myself to get that close to anyone because, if I’m really honest, I don’t trust others with my vulnerable heart. And even more honest, I don’t feel fit for human consumption.
WSA Activities:
a. I take responsibility for my choices, thoughts, and feelings without harsh self-judgment and therefore
have greater impact and influence. No one is making me feel a certain way. “I’m in charge of how I perceive things, and I choose to respond in a way that honors my values.”
b. I don’t put myself on a pedestal as the guru who’s going to fix others, and I don’t feel sorry for them, because when I do that, we aren’t able to connect and trust is lost. “What can you do to solve this situation? I believe in your ability to figure this out.”
c. I avoid saying YOU which puts others on defense.
d. I let others be responsible for their feelings and success because I have a full-time job being responsible for my OWN feelings. In other words, I “stay on my side of the street.”
e. I no longer need to control outcomes, and by believing in others beyond their “feel sorry for me” story, I give them the space to step up to their own success.
f. I follow through on my commitments to myself and others, which builds trust.
g. I am building a clientele who sees me as someone who will be real with them, someone they can trust to help them be their own worthy self-advocate, not someone they are dependent upon and robs them of their own power, which they would ultimately resent.
If this conversation intrigues you to dig deeper within yourself for answers to how YOU can become a Worthy Self-Advocate and create a life that’s aligned with YOUR values and is joyfully sustainable, let’s get together.
Come to our next Frontier to Freedom Class which is Thursday, 8/9/18. I’d love to see you there!
Courageously,
Angie Monko
