May—A Month of Transitions and My High School Graduation

I think of May as being a month of transitions, of graduations, of commencing to a new way of life. I remember when I was 16 years old and about to graduate from high school (I skipped my senior year) and went to college that summer.

I had a lot of anxiety because it was a time of stepping into the unknown future. What would my days look like? Would I be able to handle the course load, new teachers, new classrooms, new books, new faces, a new part-time job on campus, basically a whole new environment?

I was very frightened. Isn’t that how life is though? We are constantly stepping into new terrain, sometimes more than others, like during times of graduation, marriage, divorce, death of a loved one, a physical move, a new career, a pandemic, etc. Change is one of the only constants in life we can expect.

The Voice of the Inner Bully

When going through divorce or loss, often the change has been thrust upon us. When we have a difficult time adjusting to our new way of life, we can turn our “inner bully” against ourselves with thoughts of:

  • Why can’t you get this!?
  • You should be further along.
  • You take way too long to complete tasks that come easy for others.
  • You must be stupid.
  • You weigh too much (or too little).
  • You’re looking old and fat.
  • Why do you have to be so insecure and feel so uncomortable in your skin?
  • Why aren’t you making more money?
  • Why can’t you stand up for yourself?

We berate ourselves for being so stubborn and then we wonder why we lose confidence. If someone else spoke to you in the manner described above, would you want to hang out with them or give them the time of day? Probably not.

We won’t stay with someone if they treat us worse than we treat ourselves. Think about that a moment. If we are used to shaming ourselves, it will feel natural when someone else does it.

It only becomes unnatural if it exceeds our own inner bullying or self-abuse. We will begin to question another’s mistreatment of us when we begin to heal our inner shame.

As My Self-Respect Grew, So Did My Intolerance

About a year before I got divorced, I had begun to read books on spirituality and self-growth. I actually began to have more self-respect, and being in my relationship began to feel more restrictive and intolerable. It’s as if the “skin” of my relationship no longer fit me. I had to get free of it. If I stayed in the relationship (at least the way it was), it would have suffocated me.

I’m not putting all of the blame on my ex. Had I known then what I know now, I might have been able to up-level the relationship so that we could have grown together, rather than apart. But it didn’t happen that way.

When we silence the shameful voice that tells us we are unlovable, incapable, and not enough, we energetically expand to hold more of our whole beingness. This doesn’t mean that everything needs to be perfect to expand—far from it.

This Chakra Exercise Helps Move Stuck Energy/Negative Emotion

The other day at one of my virtual tea parties, my friend, Gigi, said something that really struck a chord. I need to first give you context. I do this daily energy exercise to help my energy flow through the main seven chakras (chakras are the main energy centers of the body that when open allows energy to flow readily through the body for health and vitality in body, mind and spirit).

When the chakras are out of balance, we experience the following emotions:

  • Root (near sitz bone or bottom of pelvis): blocked by fear
  • Sacral (below belly button): blocked by guilt
  • Solar plexus (above belly button): blocked by shame
  • Heart (over lungs and chest): blocked by grief
  • Throat: blocked by lies
  • 3rd eye (in between eyebrows and up one inch): blocked by illusion
  • Crown (top of head): blocked by attachment

I rub both hands in a clockwise circle over each chakra and say open and harmonize, releasing fear (for root), releasing guilt (for sacral), releasing shame (for solar plexus), etc.

The idea is that we don’t want to hold onto “negative” emotion but release it. So when we meditate, we normally inhale peace, joy or gratitude or some other positive emotion, and we exhale stress, pain, worry, etc.

Gigi said something to this effect: I follow this Buddhist practice. I have an abundance in my suffering. I inhale the suffering of the world (holding the space for others) and exhale the blessings.

This is a beautiful display of integrating our whole beingness, rather than wanting to get rid of our less desirable parts and emotions. To me, this is true alchemy, a magical process of transformation.

By inhaling the pain of the world (accepting our shadow), we can expand and have more capacity to be resilient, resourceful and creative, to be of service to others. We need not fear pain and negative emotion, but embrace it.

Now, instead of saying I release fear, guilt, shame, etc., as I rub the chakras, I say, “Open and harmonize. Whatever part of me feels this fear, I love you, I’m sorry, please forgive me, thank you” (which is embracing this aspect of myself based upon ho’oponopono, a Hawaain tradition of healing).

Silence the Shame and Move Forward

May 5th is Silence the Shame Day. What better way to silence the shame, move forward and create a new you after divorce or loss, to graduate your identity and remove the story of suffering than to see yourself and life through a lens of non-resistance. It’s ok to let go of the past and alchemize your pain by accepting it.

“Life is difficult. This is a great truth, one of the greatest truths. It is a great truth because once we truly see this truth, we transcend it. Once we truly know that life is difficult—once we truly understand and accept it—then life is no longer difficult. Because once it is accepted, the fact that life is difficult no longer matters.” M Scott Peck

I’m here to support you in moving forward in your life. In order to hear your inner knowing and get clarity, you must silence the shame. You must quiet the voice that speaks lies to you.

Reclaiming your life IS possible….one step at a time. Let’s do this together.

Book Your Healing From Divorce Call today.

And then mark your calendar and register for the next free, in-person Women’s Empowerment Through Divorce training on Tuesday, 5/31/22 at 5pm Central Time.

To Your Transformation,

Angie Monko