Have you forgotten about you? In other words, is it OK to pay attention to what you need and want in your marriage or primary relationship? Or have you been conditioned to believe it’s selfish to pursue your needs/wants?

Going a little deeper into self-reflection in order to shine a light on how you’ve lost yourself in other people’s agendas, ask yourself these questions:

1) What am I tolerating that’s making me unhappy?
2) How am I betraying myself and my needs?
3) How am I distracting myself so I won’t pay attention to my needs?

When a woman has lost herself, she may experience some of the following feelings:

  • Fears people’s judgments, going through the mental gymnastics of trying to control whether others get upset with her

  • Feels disconnected from her spouse and family members

  • Feels confused and afraid about the future because she doesn’t know who she is

  • Doubts herself and second guesses her choices/decisions

  • Feels a heavy heart and guilty because she believes she’s letting down and disappointing someone

  • Feels hurt, abandoned, and/or rejected by another’s behaviors/words

  • Feels unworthy and undeserving of getting her needs met

  • Feels distracted by all of the relationship drama around her, making it hard to focus or get clarity about what’s really important to her

  • Feels lost in another’s needs and agenda and is easily over-powered by them

When a woman has lost herself, she may experience some of the following behaviors:

  • Takes over-responsibility for another’s feelings and behaviors

  • Seeks others’ approval

  • Unsure how to speak up and express what she believes or wants

  • People-pleases to keep the peace

  • Doesn’t set healthy boundaries because she believes her needs are not as important as others’ needs

  • Turns to food or other addictive substances and behaviors to relieve anxiety

  • Stays very busy, losing herself in work and tasks to the detriment of relationships, priorities and values

  • Takes people on as projects that need to be fixed

  • Sacrifices her needs for others and then feels resentful of those for whom she’s taken over-responsibility (martyr or doormat tendencies)

If you can relate to some of the these feelings and behaviors, rest assured it’s not your fault, and there is no reason to harshly judge yourself. These feelings and actions came about because of your programming, how you were raised and how you interpreted reality.

The good news is that freedom awaits you on the other side of new habits that allow space for you to breathe, slow down, and see your lovability and worth. Your needs and wants deserve to be met in a healthy way.

When a woman remembers who she is, she may experience some of the following feelings:

  • Confident and secure in her ability to make decisions for herself and her family without second guessing herself

  • Relaxed about needing others to think of her a certain way

  • Feels at peace and excited about the future

  • Free from the judgment and expectations of others and able to focus on what she wants to create with her life

  • Accepts and forgives herself for past choices

  • Loved, lovable, worthy and deserving of healthy relationships and a fulfilling life

  • Important and valuable in who she is without having to DO anymore

When a woman remembers who she is, she may experience some of the following behaviors:

  • Takes responsibility only for her feelings and actions, and not everyone else’s

  • Sets healthy boundaries that bless her— such as excellent self-care—knowing she is worth the effort

  • Connects with other humans for who they are, accepting their defects, not needing to fix them or see them as projects, but see them as soveign human beings

  • Slows down, checks in with her body and emotions, feels her feelings, and really listens for what she needs in this moment and then fulfills that need

  • Focuses on things that really matter to her, such as quality time with loved ones and giving service from a place of love, not obligation

  • Produces a lot of results without feeling like she HAS to in order to feel worthy—there is more flow to her productivity

  • Relaxes the need to manage others’ impression of her to avoid rejection/ abandonment and feels confident in her worth

  • Lets others lead their own lives and creates true, authentic connection with them

  • Loves others where they’re at without the pressure of trying to get them to change

How can you begin to reclaim your whole self?

1) Adopt a mindset of taking baby steps in whatever area you feel the most angst. If you have a hard time saying no, for example, practice with someone who feels “safe” to you.

2) Begin to re-program the habits of thought or beliefs that whisper lies to you about your worthiness and deserving. My favorite technique to do this is using Emotional Freedom Techniques. You can also use self-hypnosis, healing codes, or temporal tap—the methods are endless.

3) To combine the first two recommendations above, create a customized self-care routine that feels GOOD TO YOU and doable. Meet yourself where you’re at and adopt the activities that feel right. For example, if you don’t like tapping, what about deep breathing? Start with 15 minutes per day or less.

Check out the freebie on my website, harmonyharbor.com called Self-Care for Women Going Through Divorce which has an excellent self-care routine.

Reclaiming our whole selves isn’t an easy journey, especially when we try to go it alone.

The EGO mind has a way of deceiving us. And the Subconscious Mind has all these parts within us that get very attached to the “way things are,” their comfort zone. To overcome the gravitation pull of our habits requires desire, willingness and commitment to make a decision to do something different.

Are you ready? If so, Book a FREE, Finding Yourself Call with me.

Angie Monko
Helping Women Create a Brighter Future After Divorce

PS: Schedule a time to chat with me if you feel ready to take the next step, move forward, and re-invent yourself. Book a FREE, Finding Yourself Call