What do you long for? I’m not sure what it is about
this question, but it stirs deep feelings of sadness and
loss for me. How about you?
Does the past come roaring back, how things used to be?
Do you long for a parent who’s no longer there to nurture you?
Do you long for your spouse who left the world way too soon?
Do you long to speak to a dear friend who always used to really listen to you?
Whatever it is you long for, allow the feelings. Give yourself
permission to go deep within and reflect.
It seems as if the world is experiencing an ever-pervasive
feeling of sadness and grief, grieving over how things used
to be, when things “seemed” simpler, more innocent, less
combative, more friendly, more safe, less critical and contrary.
My Deepest Longing—Maddie’s Last Day
Personally, when I ask myself what I long for, it brings up a lump in
my throat. I have to choke back the tears. My immediate thought,
”I long for Maddie, to hold her again, to tell her how much I love her.
To speak with her, to get to say goodbye….because I didn’t get to.”
Losing my daughter, Maddie, back in October 2018 was the
hardest thing I’ve ever been through. I remember the day vividly.
It was Tuesday, 10/23/18, a bright sunny, fall day. I went to visit
Maddie at the hospital and spent the afternoon there. When
I walked into the hospital room, they were about to bathe
Maddie. Her breathing was very labored, shallow.
Her once vibrant blue eyes seemed vacant. She wasn’t getting
enough oxygen and her lungs were too congested for her to take a
When they were done with her bath, they helped her back to
the bed. She whispered to me, “It’s like I’ve been working
out real hard for 2 weeks.” It broke my heart to see her suffering
like that. Of course she was only sitting and it felt like major
effort to her scarred lungs.
I’d brought in several essential oils to put on her small feet,
which I did, Breathe, peppermint, eucalyptus, On Guard, etc.
Maddie loved to be “swooned,” light touch over her skin. So
I swooned her, massaged her and put on oils. I brought her
a healthy protein shake.
Shortly before I left, I remember, as I sat at the end of her
hospital bed, taking both of her ankles in my hands and
slowly peddling her legs as if she were riding a bike.
She said, “Oooohhh that feels good,” probably because it
helped give her some oxygen. When I left her room, I was
worried that the antibiotics weren’t helping her, as they had
in the past. But I didn’t suspect what was coming…
I was worn out. The night before I had been at the hospital
late. This night I recall lying down on the couch at almost 10pm,
waiting for my husband, Steve, to rub my feet. It had been an
extra long day.
The call happened. I picked up the phone from BJC, and
they said, “Maddie has gone into respiratory failure. Do you
want us to revive her?” I almost screamed, “Well YES!”
Steve and I scrambled to the car and rushed to the hospital as I
fell apart. When walking down the long hallway entrance into
the hospital with glass on either side, I remember collapsing
to my knees. I just couldn’t believe this was happening.
I knew it was over. Life as I knew it with my Maddie was done.
All the hopes and dreams of her healing out the door. I couldn’t
make up anything to her at this point, anything I’d felt guilty
about as her mom.
They put her on life support, and we prayed that over the
next 3 days she’d come out of it….but she didn’t. She was
ready to go. Ready to turn in her exhausted body. She died
on Friday, 10/26/18 a few minutes past 7pm.
What LOSS have you experienced in your life? And I want
to define loss as the loss of a loved one, spouse, child, parent,
friend, or other family member, due to death, divorce, separation
or perceived rejection/abandonment by them.
Of course there are many more types of losses, the loss of a
job, way of life, identity, a home, other belongings, etc.
My area of interest is all around the loss of a relationship
that was important to you.
I believe the world is grieving more than normal due to the
trauma of the last 18 months. It heightens other losses.
We need to be there for each other—to deeply listen and care.
If you’ve found yourself feeling down and not really sure why,
perhaps consider what I’m saying. When we experience a
trauma (as we all have), the natural tendency is to want to “freeze.”
This may look like:
1) Wanting to stay inside of the house and isolate, and yet also
WANTING to get out and be social. But what seems
to win out is the part that wants to stay home.
2) Sleeping excessively.
3) Overeating and other addictions kicking into high gear.
We have to nudge ourselves extra hard to get out and
interact with others, who can hurt us. We may not be consciously
thinking this, but there is a subconscious part who’d rather
play it safe and avoid people—stay home and watch Netflix.
I invite you to gather with me in an intimate group of up to 10 women at my
home, women who are ready to put the past loss behind them and
move forward to a more fulfilling future.
What you have the opportunity to cultivate:
Become Confident: Learn a new set of tools that will allow you to become
confident in making decisions that feel right for you.
Evolve into Your Highest Potential in the years ahead and know that
loss doesn’t have to cause long-term damage.
Release Guilt & Shame and embrace self-love, acceptance, and joy.
Get Your Mojo Back and spunk for life, knowing you deserve better than this.
Maddie’s love continues to guide me to transform pain into progress
and guide others. You too can decide to “Turn your face to the sun
and let the shadows fall behind you” (Maori proverb).
You can go on with your life and learn from your experience so you
can create a bright, new chapter.
I have gone on with my life, not leaving Maddie behind (she remains
with me), but learning from my pain so women like you can avoid the
mistakes I made.