If you are going through a divorce right now, how will it
impact you? You probably have no idea how to answer that
Most people going through divorce are so immersed in stress, fear
and overwhelm that it’s hard to think clearly. It’s difficult to know the
future impact of your decisions. Where’s that crystal ball when you
Slowing down and checking in with your heart enhances your
odds to avoid regret. Taking a 1000 foot view of what happened,
why it happened, and how best to move forward can give you big
rewards down the road. Start with the end in mind, the future you
want to step into, to clarify what’s really important to you.
What I’m asking of you may feel impossible while you are
drenched in the details of divorce, but please try. Set aside
a few minutes per day until done or do it in an hour. Just do it.
Save this email. Then put it on your calendar when things slow
down, perhaps next week.
Express Yourself Process
STEP 1: Get your pen and paper or pretty journal.
STEP 2: Light a candle. It’s almost the end of 2021, a very
trying year for nearly everyone. What better time to reflect
on matters of the heart. It truly is very good timing to go within.
STEP 3: Answer the following questions:
What brought you to this place in your marriage? How
do you feel about your part in the divorce? What’s the
biggest lesson you’ve learned so far about yourself?
How do you want to be remembered by your children,
friends, and family when you die? (this thought helps you
begin with the end in mine)
If you could send one message to them right now,
one that they’d associate with you because it’s how you
lived your daily life (or how you plan to change to live it
that way), what would it be?
What is your WHY in life? Do you have a guiding principle
that gets you out of bed every morning?
See your life 5, 10, 15, 20 years down the road. What are
you and your kids doing? Are you actively engaged in each
other’s lives? Are you and your ex peacefully co-existing and
getting along at the holidays, birthdays and weddings?
Only YOU can predict how this divorce will impact your
life. Some of the above questions may seem like they are
outside the scope of your divorce, but are they?
Can you see how when going through a difficult life transition,
like divorce, slowing down and evaluating your priorities
and values could really serve you and your kids’ future?
For many, divorce has a profoundly painful impact on all
If someone gets divorced, their odds go up 20% for getting
cancer, heart disease, depression, anxiety, diabetes, or a life-
threatening illness. This can affect them the rest of their life
or they can die prematurely.
I remember a year after my divorce when I was 29 years old,
I went to my OBGYN and the lab results came back with some
abnormal cells. I knew enough back then about the mind-body
connection to understand that stress impacts our physical
health, and I said to my doctor, “Well I got divorced a year ago,
which was a very stressful time. I’m sure this has something
to do with that.”
He looked like a deer in headlights, having no idea what I was
saying. I switched doctors, needless to say. I had the abnormal
cells removed and went on with my life, but paid more attention
to how I was managing my thoughts, feelings and stress.
Children of divorced parents have a 25-30% greater chance of
depression, anxiety, grades declining, taking drugs and alcohol,
negative self-defeating behaviors, acting out, anger problems,
not succeeding, etc. The long-term emotional and mental effects
of a divorce will stay with some children for a minimum of two
decades or for as long as the rest of their lives.
It’s super important to keep talking, expressing, getting out of
you what’s really going on for you. “Better out than in.” What
stays inside of your heart and mind, what gets suppressed,
becomes depression. In other words, “When you’re not well-
expressed, you’re depressed.”
The same goes for your kids. Talk to them, repeatedly, as much
as they need to. If you’ve been role modeling silence as a coping
mechanism, then now may be the time to change that. They pick up
on our behaviors subconsciously. They may have learned to stuff
down their feelings too.
It’s OK. You didn’t know any better because people who know
better do better, unless there is some part of them which isn’t
ready to heal or change.
If you want support as you go through divorce, please register
for my free online class on 1/4/22: 3 Secrets to Survive the
Stress of Divorce.”
PSS: Register now for the full day retreat on Sat,
January 15th, 2022 for the Heal Your Heart Retreat.
I will introduce more details at the Jan 4 masterclass,
but it’s $47 early bird by 1/7/22.