This month we are talking about priorities, such as our kids and making money. I hear people complain all of the time how they are so busy earning a living that they have little time left to spend with their kids and the people they love.
Going through divorce seems to exacerbate our ability to prioritize either our kids or making money. Today let’s narrow in on the money factor. Emotions and money go together like a hand in a glove. If you take care of yourself mentally and emotionally, it will affect your confidence and belief in yourself.
Your belief in yourself will impact your ability to make money and support your family. As you focus your attention on creating what you want, you will gain financial peace as well. You are more capable than you know to stand on your own financially after divorce. So where should you start to gain financial confidence and steadiness?
Angie Says Goodbye to Corporate America (Woohoo!)
I’m reminded of how I felt over 11 years ago when I desperately wanted to leave AT&T to pursue my own life coaching business. I had so many doubts about what was possible for me. I had a huge security need, and so the thought of leaving a lucrative, secure paycheck and the many accompanying benefits seemed daunting.
I finally mustered enough courage to make a list of all the reasons why I couldn’t leave AT&T. It took me 2.5 years after I’d been doing the life coaching part-time on nights and weekends to use my beloved technique, Emotional Freedom Techniques (EFT or tapping), to overcome my own resistance. I delayed because I knew EFT worked and would create chaos and change, which I wasn’t ready for.
When I was ready, I made the below list and spoke all of the words into a handheld recorder. I created one big tapping setup statement and lots of tapping phrases. On my way to work daily, I’d tap on these issues. See this video on how to do the tapping and here is another video on how to write the tapping phrases.
- I would be doing business all alone and have to wear all the hats as an entrepreneur, rather than rely on various departments for support.
- I would be giving up the security of a guaranteed paycheck every two weeks.
- I’d have to pay our family cell phone bills and Uverse TV.
- I’m not sure how I’ll get enough clients to cover all of our bills.
- Will I make enough money to sustain the lifestyle I’ve come to enjoy.
- And many more concerns about how my family would be impacted, etc.
Two months later, my boss from Texas called me up, “Angie, we’d like you to move to Chicago. Do all the things you’re doing here but do it there.” I fairly quickly replied, “No thanks. I’ve got two girls in high school and I don’t want to relocate them.” In my heart, I knew it was time to quit. The beauty of the timing is that I got to leave with a nice severance package to boot to give me some financial cushion.
My Process When Faced With Financial/Emotional Uncertainty
- I took an emotional/financial inventory of all of my concerns and fears around my decision (leaving my corporate job of 20 years).
- I owned all of my fears and concerns by acknowledging them through the tapping technique, “Even though I’m afraid to leave AT&T and give up the security of a guaranteed paycheck, I love and accept myself.”
- I applied the technique and tapped on the fears daily to calm my nervous system and expand its capacity to hold a new paradigm.
- I patiently waited for the next action step to appear. It took two months, faster than I thought, but that’s when my boss called me about relocating.
Since leaving AT&T, my income has not been as even or steady as it was at AT&T. Some years were better than others; it’s been a roller coaster ride (I’ve always loved roller coasters wink wink). Most years I could coast by because I had enough income from steady clients that I wasn’t always on the search for new ones.
With the pandemic, some things changed, and I’ve had to increase my efforts to find new clients. It’s a work in progress. But this entire past 11 years, I’ve been able to vacation three times per year. I enjoy the freedom of setting my own schedule, not answering to a boss or to a corporate culture/beaureacry whose values don’t align with mine. I wouldn’t give this freedom up for anything!
Hey, what about you? Could you do something similar and make a list of all the reasons you doubt your ability to stand on your own two feet after divorce?
List of Financial Doubts
- I’m used to having two paychecks, and now I’ll only have mine.
- Will my ex pay child support and how much?
- I’m used to relying on THEM to pay my way–how will I handle this?
- How will I earn enough money to support me and my kids?
- Am I resourceful and creative enough/have enough energy to make a good living for my family?
- Will I have to work 2-3 jobs, and if so, when will I see my kids?
- Will my children suffer because of this divorce?
- Making money is a hard struggle; I’m afraid of the responsibility.
Now turn these statements into tapping statements. For example for the first one, “Even though I don’t know how I’ll manage on just my paycheck, I love and accept myself anyway.”
You can tap on one issue per day. The key is to be consistent. Keep tapping daily until you’ve shifted your mindset. Your emotions will fall in line with your beliefs. Just wait and see. Be patient. Don’t abandon your efforts just because you don’t see results immediately.
You WILL begin to shift how you’re thinking. The hardest part about the tapping is getting started. The EGO or conscious mind doesn’t want you to feel your feelings, and so it acts as a guarddog to the subconscious mind which houses all feelings. In fact, we can be so analytical that we “think” our feelings, or analyze them, but it’s not the same as processing them through the nervous system.
When you tap, you’re repeating negative phrases, but this doesn’t reinforce the negative. If you’re cleaning the house, you have to see the dirt, as Louise Hay used to say, referring to tapping. You have to acknowledge the muck. Think of excavating the pain first with the tapping, creating enough space to insert a new thought or belief.
Choice Statement Tapping (created by Patricia Carrington)
Once you’ve reduced the intensity of old, harmful ways of thinking down to 4/10 or less, you are ready to insert a new, more empowering, chosen belief. Let’s use the example shared above.
Original tapping phrase: “Even though I don’t know how I’ll manage on just my paycheck, I love and accept myself anyway.” Once you tap this fear down to a 4/10 or less (How to assess? Put your hands over your heart, close your eyes, and ask your body what your number is–go with the first number that comes to you quickly–without over-thinking).
Revised tapping phrase once the intensity is 4/10 or less: “Even though I’m still afraid that I may not have enough money, I choose to relax and have faith that all of my financial needs will be taken care of.” Note the difference in the ending of the phrase, from I love and accept myself to a more specific choice. This is called Choice Statement Tapping.
Here’s how you would tap for a choice statement:
- Do the first round on all of the tapping points of the negative, first part of the sentence. See this video on how to do the tapping
- Do the second round of tapping, stating the choice statement, on all of the points, “I choose to relax and have faith….”
- Do the third round of tapping, alternating negative and choice statements, ending on the positive, on all of the points. This is like a debate within your mind, resolving an inner conflict: “I’m still afraid…” “I choose to relax…,” “I’m still afraid…” “Nope I choose to relax…”
This is a powerful exercise to begin to change how you think about money and what’s possible for your financial future and to feel divorced and free. What do you say? Want to give it a try? It’s really very simple to do mechanically. It’s that wily EGO that may get in your way to proceed. If that’s the case, you can first tap, “Even though I don’t want to tap for whatever reason, I love and accept myself.”
I’m here to help. Let me know if you have any questions. Let’s chat if you need more support while going through divorce. This free Healing From Divorce call will provide some clarity, and as Brene` Brown says, “Clear is Kind. Unclear is Unkind.”
Angie Monko, Holistic Divorce Coach
Creating a Brighter Future After Divorce