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Happy New Year!  This year has certainly been different than past ones for me. New Year’s Eve was always one of Maddie’s favorite holidays…probably because we’d make some fun appetizer type foods and we’d all stay up late and play games, which she enjoyed.

2019 has ushered in a lot of sadness for me, more so than I expected.  I think it’s because the year is a blank slate, and the first one in which all memories being created will not include Maddie. I don’t want her to be forgotten.

I look at certain things, and the pain feels almost unbearable. I find it takes my breath away. In particular her last birthday party picture in which she didn’t really feel well that day brings up such sadness.

Seeing her glasses, her treatment equipment, her purse, her clothes. It all takes my breath away.

Right after she passed, I felt so lifted up by everyone’s love. Then the Christmas season came which also fills more magical moments while being surrounded with love.

I’ve felt more vulnerable lately.  My dad hasn’t reached out to us since Maddie passed on 10/26/18 except to come to Maddie’s life celebration on November 24.  That hurts.

And most people seem awkward and not sure how to approach me. So often they say nothing. That hurts. This is not something that I can sweep under the rug and be done with in 11 weeks.

I just got done teaching a 3 day, overnight retreat called Gateway to Your Freedom. Preparing to go to the bed and breakfast where I teach the retreat really triggered me, as well as coming home from it Sunday night, and yesterday and today.

Maddie was supposed to go to the last retreat I taught, but instead she was lying in the hospital dying, and the two days after it, Monday and Tuesday, the equivalent of yesterday and today, were so difficult. She had respiratory failure on Tuesday night, 10/23, exactly 11 weeks ago today.

So today, I’m making this blog about ME.  I’ve hesitated about talking about how I’m grieving because I don;t want to scare you away.  I try to be mindful about incorporating message that will help you.

Today I realize that by sharing my journey, I am helping. I’m showing you how I’m handling the most painful thing that anyone can experience and still live and be of service to others.

My friend, Matthew, pointed out that there is no word in our language for a parent that loses her child. That’s how much we want to deny this exists. We have a name for husband or wife who loses their spouse, widower or widow, a child who loses their parents, an orphan, but nothing for this.

I’ve also learned that grieving is different than mourning.  Grieving is what we do inside our minds and hearts.  Mourning is how we we publicly express our grief. I also learned that if we don’t mourn, we can’t heal.  I’ve not been doing that these last two weeks since I’ve not been doing my blog due to the holidays.

So when you see me out in public, please do your best not to shy away from me.  Instead give me a long hug. I welcome it….your love helps me to heal me.

Maddie had this special tradition of watching the Bachelor/Bachelorette. We loved it and the drama it provided! The Bachelor started last night, January 7th, and I was not able to recruit anyone to watch it with me.

So if this your thing and you want to watch it with me, please reach out.  I need some love right now.  And I am not ashamed to admit it.  I’m not asking for your sympathy, but your love because you believe in me.

The retreat I just finished teaching was amazing, and all 8 participants got transformation.  I am better at it now that I’ve gone through this pain.  I love people where they are at.  They feel my love and acceptance, and they are able to extend this benefit to themselves, see themselves through my eyes.

I’ll be teaching the Frontier to Freedom tapping class this Thursday at 6pm.
Go here to register if you feel called.

What I do to help myself and others is not for everyone. And it IS badly
needed in this world.  You’ll know if you’re ready. 


Angie Monko