Last week you were introduced to Fanny, a middle-aged woman who, after years of being married to a narcissistic husband, who was more interested in competition than love and intimacy, got divorced and began to heal from the years of abuse and neglect. For full blog on Forgiving Your Ex is For YOU, read here.
Today, you’ll hear the conclusion to Fanny’s story. After she learned about her husband, Paul, having an affair, she hired an attorney and filed for divorce. Paul had no remorse.
Fanny had accumulated years of resentment toward Paul, because it was obvious that he only cared to meet his own emotional needs and wants. Sure, he provided for her physically, but not an ounce more.
Journaling Changed Everything for Fanny
As she began a daily self-care practice of journaling her feelings, that’s when everything began to change. The years of confusion and self-neglect began to dissolve in her tears.
She became abundantly clear that SHE had betrayed herself by not listening to her inner voice that told her Paul was not in love with her. He did not act like a man in love. He was distant and cold, and she justified this by saying, “That’s just how he is. He never learned how to talk about his feelings. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t love me.”
Deep down though, she knew that if he couldn’t get in touch with his own feelings and love himself, how could he ever really love her?
Fanny’s Love Letter to Herself
To my Dearest Fanny,
I’m so sorry that I didn’t listen to you all these years. I know you’ve been lonely and felt disconnected from Paul, from your kids, and even friends. You knew you were betraying yourself, but this truth was too difficult to look at. There was just so much shame, and you feared that something was really wrong with you.
But what you’re now seeing is that this inner voice was intuitive and wise and trying to get your attention to let you know that you are valuable, lovable and good enough. That you are worthy of love and happiness. It’s not normal to feel so lonely and isolated.
You deserve more than that. It’s OK to give yourself permission to receive good things, to ask for help, to nurture yourself. No one can do that for you or like you can for yourself.
Just because Paul didn’t see your value, your tender heart, your empathic nature, your willingness to help others, to be kind and gentle, it doesn’t mean all of those things aren’t there. It simply means Paul couldn’t access his own feelings and worth and therefore couldn’t see them in you.
I refuse to shame you anymore, Fanny. A new era is dawning in your life, a new reality, where you are seeing yourself through the eyes of Love. You are beautiful, smart, kind, worthy, deserving, lovable, capable. You are now nurturing your body, mind and soul with new thougths.
I love you,
Each Tear Shed Erased her Shameful Past
Fanny wept the entire time she wrote the letter. Tears of connection, understanding and empathy for her wounded child within graced the paper and smudged the ink. As each tear fell, she felt more and more in tune with her true self.
She realized that she was doing the most important forgiveness work, much more needed than even forgiving Paul. She was forgiving herself for staying so long, for believing she deserved the emotional abuse and neglect.
Fanny Breaks Generational Pattern
She’d learned this pattern from watching her parents and her grandparents in similar dynamics. She couldn’t recall much love or affection between past family members. Displaying affection and talking about feelings just didn’t happen. It was considered weak.
What was considered strong was holding it altogether, showing a false front of strength to the world. It was a stoic, emotionless existence, and Fanny no longer wanted to perpetuate the lies, most importantly to herself.
Do you have generational trauma patterns that need to be healed? If you feel lonely and disconnected in your marriage, but really love your partner, there is hope. Just because I help women going through divorce and loss doesn’t mean that healing your heart will end in divorce.
Often times, if both people love each other but don’t know how to healthily connect because of what they learned from their parents, this can be remedied. You can not only reclaim a happy relationship, but make it better than it was before.
I’m hosting a free, in-person event at my home on March 8th, Women’s Empowerment Through Divorce and Loss. Register now. And see below in the PS for two other ways I can support you.
To Your Transformation,
Schedule a free Confidently Navigate Divorce/Loss session
with me. Take back your power from the one who angers you.
You are 100% responsible and 100% deserving of love.
Coming Saturday, 3/19/22, join me for the Heal Your Heart Online
Retreat from 10am to 5pm Central Time. Early bird pricing is $47.00