I woke up at 1am this morning with an awareness of why my step-daughter, Chelsea, 15 years old, triggers me so much. And no, it’s not because she’s 15 and that says it all. I realize I’m the source of the conflict, not her. Now I’m not blaming myself in a real negative way or cutting myself down for saying I’m the source of the conflict. I realize that she only triggers me when she’s moody. Mood swings (including my own) really annoy me.
By the time we are 7 years old, we have all of the programming in place to tell us who we will be as adults. While growing up, my Dad’s moods were volatile. I never knew what to expect in my day-to-day life. I was nervous much of the time because I didn’t know if he’d be in a bad, abusive mood or if he’d actually be even-keeled. Mostly, he ignored us and terrorized our Mom (I have a brother two years older than me). Maybe I’m ready to heal this part of me because as I write this, I can FEEL how as a little girl I
must have felt back then.
Terrified and powerless to help my Mom….anxious and nervous and wanting to hide in a corner. This anxiety still runs through me today, but as it surfaces and I’m ready to remember it, I can tap on it (which I just did). Already I feel more calm. When we are small and begin recording in our subconscious every single thing that happens to us, we consciously forget about it as adults. We know the problem is still there, however, because current events “trigger” the energetic memory. For me, I was able to finally
see that it was Chelsea’s mood swings that really bothered me. I owned them and took them to heart. I saw them as rejection of me. So then I asked myself right before bed time, “What does this feeling remind me of?” I awoke at 1am with the answer–mood swings came to mind, and then it all came together.
Mood swings started with my Dad. Then I was destined to repeat the same scenario, only with different players, until I learned my lesson.
I married someone who had peaks and valleys of emotions; it was like being on a roller-coaster ride. I decided to get off the ride when I was about 28 years old and got divorced. I was beginning to shift inside, but not completely. I remarried someone who is stable emotionally (on most days–ha ha). I have two daughters, one by birth (Maddie-13), and one my marriage (Chelsea-15). I feel the least peace when either they or my husband experience mood swings. I’m even guarded against a lot of joy.
It doesn’t feel safe because at any moment, someone can snatch it away.
I almost want to recoil when someone gets loud and boisterous and happy because part of me feels it’s fake. It’s not stable or safe. Now I understand why I’ve been afraid of my joy. This boisterous expression of joy is as uncomfortable to me as unbridled anger and hostility. They are both extremes. I created this fear of extremes as a little girl, and now I choose to be free of it. I can tap on, “Up until now, I have been terrified of extreme displays of joy or anger, but I can see it’s getting easier and easier every day to remain detached and calm as others and myself experience mood swings.
This is a part of life that is as natural as breathing, and I choose to be okay with it.And so it is!”
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Peace & Blessings,