I just returned from a four-day retreat in the beautiful mountains of Hope, British Columbia. I attended a workshop that Callan Rush offers, called Mesmerize Your Audience. Wow! It was truly a transformational experience. I was pushed beyond my boundaries and felt raw and vulnerable at times. I felt isolated, judged and lonely and disconnected, misunderstood and attacked. I also felt loved, accepted, understood, redeemed, connected, intimate, grounded in my body, feminine, more than I ever have.
This was the nature of my unfolding evolution over four days. I will share with you my biggest takeaway in the hopes that you will benefit. I learned at a heart level to integrate ALL of me. I have come to deeply respect the Yin Yang of the Universe. As a Libra (born 9/23), my scales have been out of balance. What I mean is I have viewed things in a black and white way without even realizing it. Because I’ve focused on the reality that I’m a spiritual being having a physical experience, I’ve disregarded the importance
of the body.
I haven’t been present to my body or “in the body” so to speak. Because I am highly sensitive, it felt safer to disengage from my body and not be totally present or here now. Even though I took care of my body before, I believe I did it more out of fear of being overweight if I didn’t eat or exercise the way I did. What I learned is that I prefer to be in my body and listen to its messages, to breathe in to my feelings and not be afraid of them. Breathe, breathe, breathe. My body is a sacred vessel to allow Spirit to work through me. My ego or personality, which I believe we need to put in its rightful place when it floods us with fear and doubt, is also very helpful.
It is my red flag that I need to make a course correction if I’m feeling bad. Instead of rejecting this part of me, I now choose to allow it to serve me in this way. Lastly, I’ve had a lot more Yang (masculine energy) in my life than Yin (feminine energy). I’ve pushed down my feminine side because I believed early on that women were weak because I saw my mom physically and emotionally abused for 11 years. I thought, “She’s a push over and I’ll never be that way!” The way this has shown up in my life is to dress in pants and not wear clothes that accentuate my physical body, to want to take control and be the decision maker, to be less nurturing to myself and others, to be afraid of looking in my loved one’s eyes, to be afraid to cry in front of others, to be vulnerable basically.
This fear of being in my body, to be seen by the opposite sex, to be feminine, has resulted in me hiding and disconnecting with others because I disconnected from myself. Whew! I am on the path of being a workshop luminary, and this requires me to stop hiding. I really connected one-to-one with others, and now I’m being asked to step up to a new level of connection. This will require daily practice. At least I’m aware now and can consciously let my light in. I am boldly declaring that I am HERE now! It is safe. I trust
the Universe to support me in this daily journey. Can you relate? Is your Yin Yang out of balance? What is one thing you will do, starting today, to integrate all of you?
For me, I will consciously breathe more from my diaphragm, and I will practice gazing into my husband’s eyes.
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In Loving Connection,