My daughter, Maddie, is going to visit her dad this December. I must admit I have felt resentful that she is going there for at least 5 months, and she’ll be out of state. I won’t see her because her dad decided to move out of state. I have asked myself, “Why did I attract this? What am I supposed to learn?” The answer came to me this week. I believe I was supposed to get my feelings of anger and resentment toward my ex stirred up again to realize I hadn’t forgiven him.
You see, I thought I had. I thought because he hadn’t triggered me much in over 3 years that was how I could tell. Note to Self: My indifference is not a good gauge of forgiveness. Rather, it’s easy to think I’ve forgiven when I don’t see someone regularly, giving them the opportunity to test me. I figured my ex had just vibrated out of my world and that I’d finally learned my lesson when he moved to Pennsylvania. Not so. Well now he has my attention again because Maddie wants to go stay with him. Plus, I just returned from a workshop in Hope, British Columbia, in which I had to do a lot of writing and presenting.
It helped me to get clear on my divorce and to realize that I’d divorced myself LONG before our actual divorce. I’d divorced myself by splintering my Soul, by betraying myself and handing over my power of choice to him. Again and again, I let my ex make decisions for me, from my career, to my body image, to my finances, to my friendships, to my religion, and lastly, the coup de gras, giving him custody of Maddie when she wasn’t quite two years old. This last thing is what finally woke me up. I asked myself, “What is wrong with me?” Now I know. I had divorced myself and lost my voice, my ability to express my Truth. Well, rather, than finding my voice in the relationship, I got divorced.
At the time, it felt like a life or death decision, and, in essence, it was. Divorce him or keep betraying myself! So both of these events (Maddie leaving and my divorce workshop) have resurrected my hurt teenager within, who seems to need attention and love. At least I’m now aware that I have some forgiving to do. I honestly didn’t know that before. I am grateful for this insight. Do you need to forgive someone who you really think you’ve already forgiven?
My dad falls in the same category, and I’m working on it. God bless your relationships, with yourself, with others, and with a Supreme Source of Intelligence, I call God.
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