Do you feel like your marriage has become a power struggle? Maybe it’s a silent one, where you don’t speak up for yourself… feeling like a door mat has become all too familiar.

Or maybe you’re sick and tired of being quiet, and you speak up a LOT. There’s constant conflict and bickering. You find yourself with the boxing gloves on, often defending yourself, needing to be right.

Little Angie chewed on her nails and bit her lip continuously, as she munched on potato chips and French onion dip, while watching Facts of Life, about 3 feet away from the TV set.

She nervously wondered when she’d hear her dad’s gruff voice. Mom was rattling dishes around in the kitchen, as the scent of BLT’s filled the room. She dreaded her dad coming home because she never knew
what mood he’d be in.

At the very least, he’d be mean and loud toward mom.  At the worst, he’d beat her over the slightest wrong word. As Angie grew up, she became more and more distant from her dad and preferred he stay away.

On some level, though, she yearned for his love, attention and approval, but she had no idea how to get that.  So unconsciously Angie sought the love of a father figure through an older, male authority figure, “Bob.”

This relationship with Bob turned into more drama, chaos and dysfunction. Angie had had no role model of how to be in a healthy relationship and speak up for herself. She married Bob anyway…

After 12 years of betraying herself through hurtful self-talk, a food addiction, lost friendships, a lost church community, and workaholic tendencies, Angie declared she was done with the abuse, of being the peacemaker between her husband and the world.

Angie got divorced, moved into her own apartment, and began to rebuild her life. She began reading spiritual and self-help books and discovered how she’d been abandoning herself.

This inner journey allowed her to better understand herself and not make the same mistakes in future relationships. She learned how she could begin getting love from herself.

As she began to trust herself more every day, everything improved. She had more confidence and creativity at work, which led to a promotion the next year.  She began to date Steve (and eventually married him); he put her first and was kind, caring and considerate.

A partner is always an energetic match to our own feelings of worth, and Steve reflected her own increase in self-esteem.

How is my story related to your power struggles in marriage?

To have a healthy marriage, we need to be true to ourselves, love, accept and forgive ourselves, knowing that we are enough and deserve to be treated with kindness and respect. We don’t have to tolerate emotional, mental or physical abuse, like my mom did and how I did in my first marriage.

When we develop a strong sense of self, knowing that we are lovable and enough, we begin to confidently speak up for ourselves and get our needs met in our marriage.

When we do this, we can stop defending ourselves, take the fighting gloves off, because we feel safer and more secure in who we are.

Your next step? Find out if your marriage has become a power struggle.

Why should you listen to me? I’m a worthy self-advocate. I confidently speak up for myself in my marriage to Steve, something I couldn’t do when married to Bob.

Because I had no role models of a healthy relationship, it took a difficult divorce and years of pain and suffering to figure this out.  I have a daily, disciplined self-care routine so that I can be kind and generous to my husband, family and all those around me. I am much better able to be the lighthouse, stable,
solid, and secure, shining my light brightly so that others can follow.

I offer you a safe harbor to transform into your most empowered self.  I’ve helped hundreds of others create healthy, happy relationships over the last ten years, and this up leveled every aspect of their lives. Happy relationships =  happy life. It can do the same for you.

I know you value family and loyalty.  So do I.  You deserve to get your needs met in a healthy way that inspires everyone around you.  You are a leader. Don’t you want to leave a legacy of empowering your cherished loved ones, interrupt unhealthy patterns of codependency and abuse?

It’s time to make these changes.  Find out if your marriage has become a power struggle. Perhaps you already know it has.  That’s OK if it has. Help is on the way.

I made a quick quiz you can use to find out if your marriage is a power struggle, and if so, how much of a struggle. It should only take you a few minutes to go through the questions, and you can take it and get the results without signing up for anything.

(Also, if you like the quiz, I’d be thrilled if you shared it on Facebook to help other people. People really enjoy taking these relationship tests!)


Angie Monko