You know the voice of shame—the one that tells you that you
aren’t good enough. That some day when you lose the
weight, when you make so much money, when your dad and
mom love and approve of you, when you feel secure and happy,
THEN you will take the risk to be the woman you are meant to be,
the one you’d be proud of.
But what if this is pure bullshit?! Sorry for the language if you
have sensitive ears, but this makes me angry! Is it possible
you’ve been lying to yourself all this time? I know I have.
Do you feel caged in by society and all its blasted rules about
WHO you need to be in order to be successful?
The one that tells you that you even need to lose weight, that
you need to dye your hair to retain your youth, that you need
to be #1 to be worth your salt as a human, that you need to put
expensive cream on your face to never get a wrinkle, to make
loads of money or you’re nothing, in other words, how to be
perfect and maintain that image to be acceptable.
What’s even more sad is that this voice of shame is no
longer coming from outside of us, from society, our teachers,
our parents, our grandparents, our siblings, TV, etc.
The voice is coming from within us because we’ve been hypnotized
to believe that somehow we need to comply to fit in.
We know shame is lurking around the corner when we want
to hide something about us, beat ourselves up, when we feel
insecure, doubtful and fearful, when we people please and seek
approval, even when we feel hurt and rejected.
These are indications that we’ve sold ourselves out to someone
or something. I’m not implying that we can never do anything
wrong or be at fault for something, which would lead us to feeling
remorse or regret for a past choice.
We are human, and it’s normal to make mistakes. However, as
women we’ve been conditioned to take the back seat, to sacrifice
our needs for others (again, there is nothing wrong with giving
and I’m all for it—but let’s not give and then resent it).
We’ve been programmed to hand over our power to others,
to self-deprecate and feel less than. And women are especially
critical of other women, maybe because secretly we want what
THEY have. We feel jealous of women who are given
high grades on appearance, wealth and success, the outward
”signs” of happiness.
And the marks may be well-earned, but do we really know if this
woman is successful if all we base it on is superficial standards of
external beauty and wealth?
What if she’s a workaholic and cruel to her husband and kids
because she’s so stressed out and overwhelmed by the infinite
demands on her to keep up the facade? Is she successful now?
Of course not. In fact, she is someone to feel sorry for her
because she’s forgotten how to be loyal to herself. So let’s
stop judging a book by its cover.
So how can we quiet the voice of shame?
We need to get honest with ourselves, and really get to know
who we are. We all have parts of us who relish the “darker side
of life.” Think about this.
Don’t you have habits that you don’t consciously want?
For example, according to my EGO or conscious mind, I
should weigh less, watch less Netflix as a means to
escape, have a more effective marketing strategy, make
more money, be more patient my husband, prioritize my
personal life over my work life, work smarter, walk Mars
My conscious mind is a real driver of me, and most
days it feels like I can never do enough to feel good enough.
Can you relate?
Yet there are other parts of me, subconsciously, that
work in direct opposition to my EGO. They have a jolly ‘ole
time when I lose it over technology, yell at Steve, freak out
about not making enough money, notice an extra roll of fat
around my waist that I didn’t see the day before, fret that
I’m getting older and less attractive, and on and on.
These parts are very creative, and my EGO hates them
because they seem to make life harder. But again, what if
we’ve got it all wrong?
What if, instead of disowning these parts, we truly
embrace them? I’m not talking about accepting them
reluctantly, but full-on enjoying them, resisting them 0%?
Assigning them no suffering story but instead giving them
a bow of respect for their immense creativity, their ingenious
ways of creating an illusion of lack, convincing us that
we aren’t good enough and never will be.
Make sincere friends with these parts of us. In this book
called Existential Kink, the author, Carolyn Elliott, tells about an
exercise we can do to not take life so seriously, and to embrace
ALL parts of us.
Envision that you have a squad of cheerleaders
surrounding you at all times, and whenever you screw
something up and get mad at yourself, this team of
cheerleaders, dressed up in the most fanciful garb you
can imagine, raise their pom-poms and yell, “You
just screwed up! You’re a loser! Ra Ra Ra!!!”
They bend over and shake their butts as vigorously as
a Turkish belly dancer when you make a mistake!
It kinda makes you smile doesn’t it?….
To summarize, here is what really helps us to move past the
story of shame:
1) Become aware that we have been programmed to
be chameleons, molding ourselves to what everyone
else wants, until we shrivel away with resentment,
overwhelm and exhaustion. And stop buying into the
agenda that we need to be anyway other than we are.
2) Make friends with our subconscious parts who love
to weave drama and distraction into our lives. Appreciate
these parts, truly and sincerely.
We have nothing to be ashamed about, no matter our
past. Remember these parts of us are necessary to be
whole beings. We aren’t good or bad. We are a combination
of gray, and the Creator of All sees everything as OK. It
is unconditionally loving and gives us tons of grace.
If the Universe can see you us as whole and perfect,
maybe we can too?
Let’s talk. Schedule a complimentary Loving Self-Advocate
Discovery Session. Isn’t it time to put the shameful story