Ok. I admit it. I don’t have it all figured out. The other day while walking and talking with my daughter, Maddie, at Six Flags, she asked if I was afraid to show any weakness. Strange question, you might ask. I don’t even remember why she asked. I replied with some cockamamie that one of my strengths is being vulnerable and showing my weakness. I could tell it wasn’t the answer she wanted. I knew there was something more to it, some underlying Truth. I have to say there is truth in what I told her. However, I will only share so much, and of course, only what I’m aware of.
I guess the real Truth is that I’m afraid to appear like I don’t have it all figured out and all together. I first realized this recently when I was advising divorced moms to be honest with their kids, admit they are scared and don’t have all the answers, if that was the truth. It dawned on me that I hadn’t done this myself. Why not? I didn’t want to create drama, and I wanted to take 100% responsibility for my actions and thoughts and results. I think I somehow confused taking 100% responsibility by going it alone, and relying only on myself for results. In a recent coaching session with my coach, I explained to her that business had slowed down for me in the last couple of months, because I had felt rejected and abandoned by Maddie deciding to visit her dad in December.
I am not sure how long she will stay, perhaps permanently, until she graduates from high school in 1.5 years. I thought I felt this way because on some level I was rejecting and abandoning myself (100% responsibility, right?). My coach took it a step further. She said that I over-give, and I feel abandoned because I don’t let others support me to the same extent. I didn’t see this at first. Now what I’m beginning to do to feel supported is to express my feelings to my close friends and family. I “admit” that I’m having immature feelings, like anger, that are not advanced spiritual thoughts. I recognize an arrogance when I feel like I have to display a perfect life image, because I’m a life coach. I think the best thing I can do as a life coach and to prevent being knocked off of my pedestal at times is to admit it’s okay to make mistakes.
Of course, I know this intellectually, but it’s another story to admit I could be wrong or not right when my child and spouse challenge me. It’s even harder to not defend myself when I clearly see the other is wrong and acting out of fear or ignorance and blaming. It’s at that moment I have more responsibility to keep quiet because I DO know the other is in fear. What I will set the intention for in the next week or so is this: When someone challenges me (usually my kid or spouse), I intend to stay quiet and just observe. Allow some space and silence for me to just be with their emotions, usually pain, and not run away from them. And, what is more, I will admit and own my feelings (at least to myself) when they arise, rather than pretend
I’m above such childish emotions.
I don’t have to be Superwoman. I DO need help. I’m usually good about asking for help with physical
chores, but not so adept at asking for emotional support. I am here to support you, and I ask that you
support me as well. Commit to your healing and growth and reach out to me.
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