Below is an article written by my husband, Steve Monko.
“I have never been one to express my true feelings about things. As a child my brothers and I learned that we were to be seen and not heard, speak only when spoken to, do as you are told, and most of all RESPECT” your elders!
In essence, I was taught that my thoughts were unimportant and my feelings didn’t matter.
As a result, I learned not to question things and do as I was told. As long as I complied, everything was fine, right? Hardly. I began to form unhealthy belief systems and resent my parents for not taking the time to teach us.
As a result, I began to listen to my brothers’ guidance, even though they were inexperienced, but at least they listened to me. This led my family down a path of separatism, close-mindedness and damaging behaviors. My oldest brother moved out just before his 16th birthday; my middle brother got into drugs as did I.
My parents tried “everything” to fix the problem: family counseling, psychological evaluation, punishment that included taking away the things we liked, whippings, threats of military school and adoption, and using the police to take us to juvenile detention. None of these things seemed to work until after Bob moved out and Jim went into a boy’s home, leaving me to either fall in line or be shipped away too.
All of this happened by the time I was eleven. Would treating us with respect and in a civilized manner, making our views seem important, have made a difference?
I think so. Perhaps the solution might have been for my parents to look within for the problem instead of blaming us. I learned many beliefs by going through this experience, and to this day, I still wonder how things might have been if my family would have been “normal.”
So if you ask me if our childhood beliefs hold us back, I have a one-word answer–YES!
I have so many repressed feelings and emotions from my childhood that I am just now getting the courage to look within and address them. The main feeling I use as my crutch is anger, and it comes out sometimes uncontrollably and at any given moment for things that don’t even seem to warrant it.
Though I do keep my cool most of the time, by the time I reach my threshold, I am not proud of how I act. I write this because I am fortunate enough to have the benefit of working with a true professional, my wife, Angie Monko. She is and has been helping me become aware of my belief systems (B.S.), for probably longer than I give her credit. My awareness of painful childhood memories and disruptions to my energy are many and most certainly at the root of my adult shortcomings.
I feel like a classic case of repression. I read an article today, and it talks about how epression/suppression can lead to addictive behaviors. I certainly see my patterns. If you are constantly frustrated by things seemingly out of your control that block you from the results you desire, take the time to reflect on your childhood beliefs and subsequent emotions that come up, and I’ll bet you will begin to see the patterns too.
If nothing else, I wish to provide hope to others who have similar experiences that a person can begin to identify these symptoms and start to heal the core cause of them.
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Sincerely,
Steve Monko
