There is a big misconception about what People Pleasing
even is. For many (especially those who do it), they may
not even think they do it, OR they don’t think it’s a problem.
In fact, they may even see people pleasing as an attractive
attribute to be proud of. Why do we see it as noble?
Why People Think People Pleasing Is a Good Thing:
We equate people pleasing with giving/kindness.
We truly believe it keeps the peace.
But people pleasing the way we are defining it (behaving
or speaking in a way that betrays what you truly think and
feel) is anything but noble.
It’s not noble when we “people please give” no matter how good
the giving seems because the giving comes with conditions.
Will they pay me back? Will they be there for me when I need them?
Will they return the favor?
Have you given something and expected that person to later
scratch your back?
The reason this people pleasing giving is unhealthy is that
it’s creating a false premise for a relationship. It’s leading you to
disappointment when the other lets you down…and they WILL.
And that leads to resentment and grudges.
Have you ever played the peace keeper? It’s another disappointing
job for a couple of reasons. First, it’s exhausting trying to keep
People Pleasing Robs Others of Opportunity to Grow
Secondly, when we try to keep the peace, we are robbing others
of the opportunity to learn and grow from a difficult situation.
If we believe we are the most capable person to keep the peace,
then they don’t have a chance to practice their own skills at
navigating through life.
Can you relate to any of this? Do you see yourself as a people
pleaser? One way to gauge this is to see how much you feel
resentment. The more you resent, the more you’re trying to
please others to no avail.
Giving without conditions will feel amazing and won’t lead to
Tip to move forward: Start to notice when you are giving with
strings attached and when you’re trying to play the peacekeeper.
Just notice. That’s all you need to do for now.
Morgan and I have 5 spots open for our Loving Self-Advocate
women’s empowerment group in February. Set a time to talk.
Or reply to this email if none of those times work.