Are you feeling unsure about how to proceed in your marriage
and how those choices will impact your future and your kids’ future?
You may be wondering if you’re making the right decision to end the
marriage, assuming you’re the one to initiate the divorce. You may be
feeling a bit guilty about that choice.
On the other hand, if your spouse wants the divorce, should you grant
it? You may be feeling angry, hurt, in shock. You might also be feeling
ashamed, wondering if something is wrong with you.
Regardless of who initiated the divorce, you may feel like the rug’s been
pulled out from underneath you, lost and unsure how to proceed. How
can you advocate for yourself most effectively and keep your self-esteem
and self-worth intact?
How can you be a solid role model for your kids at the same time
despite the emotional turmoil within?
In order to make a decision of this magnitude, you must be
able to think clearly and rationally and not decide from a place of
fear of the unknown or avoidance.
When you think about your spouse, do you see a future with them?
Please note your immediate answer, the one you didn’t have a chance
to analyze.
Do you see yourself working through things with them because
you’re still in love with them? Or has so much trust been lost that
it feels impossible to keep your heart open to them?
Clarity Process for Getting Divorced
Find a quiet place where you won’t be disturbed.
Light a candle or incense to signal it’s time to relax and go within.
Get a pen and paper and make a list of PRO’s and CON’s
of getting divorced. Divide the sheet into two columns with PRO’s
on the left and CON’s on the right.Place your hands over your heart and take several deep breaths,
in through your nose and out the mouth (make the exhale audible
because it calms the nervous system).
You can read the lists below now or after you’ve written yours; this list
is simply to jog your memory as the situation is so personal to you.
This list is simply a beginning.
Possible PRO’s:
1) I will have more psychic space to discover who I am and what I want.
2) I will get away from their verbal, mental, emotional and/or physical abuse.
3) The kids won’t have to witness two people who fight all of the time.
4) I will have a chance to start over and get emotional relief from their
negative energy and all of the conflict weighing me down.
5) Since we’ve grown so far apart, and are much different people than
when we got together, the split will provide emotional relief.
6) I’ll have a chance to create the life I really want either by myself
or with another who’s more in alignment with my values/beliefs.
7) My kids will have an opportunity to see how a healthy relationship
works either now or in the future.
8) We will get along better if we are divorced and can be there for our
children more.
9) It’s more fair to leave the marriage since I’m no longer in love, and
this gives them the opportunity to find someone better-suited for them.
10) Since they no longer love me or want to be with me, and I deserve
more, I will be happier in the long run.
Possible CON’s:
1) I will hurt them terribly by leaving and who knows how this will
impact them the rest of their life.
2) I will be breaking up the family, and they are a good parent. The
kids will miss them. They will miss the kids.
3) This will hurt my in-laws and other family whom I’ll miss too.
4) This will hurt my parents and other family.
5) The stress of divorce, if not managed, will have definite negative impact
on my and my spouse’s physical, emotional and mental health.
6) The conflict of divorce, if not managed, will have negative impact
on our children, from health issues to acting out, drugs, etc.
7) The divorce will hurt our confidence in our ability to create other healthy
relationships (feeling like a failure).
8) Others will harshly judge me and think less of me.
9) We will struggle more financially when we split assets.
10) The legal battle will be very painful, emotionally and financially,
as it threatens all of our security.
These are all POSSIBLE pro’s and con’s, not inevitable. Notice
what feels true for YOU. Do some real soul-searching. This decision
WILL have a big impact on you and many others, to be sure, for
the rest of your life.
I’m not being dramatic or exaggerative here. It is true that this
decision is not to be taken lightly.
If you’re being abused, physically, emotionally, mentally, and/or
spiritually, please strongly consider leaving. And then seek help.
We stay with someone who abuses us because a subconscious
part of us believes we deserve that. I realize this may be hard to
hear and accept…I am NOT judging you. We all have parts that
feel unlovable, unworthy and undeserving of happiness, including me.
This is nothing to be ashamed about. If it feels like this describes
you and your situation, let it slowly seep into your heart that it’s
so. Next ask yourself, “Am I ready to receive more love and
respect from myself?”
The main thing is to be honest with yourself. I am reminded of this
wise phrase, “Having is evidence of wanting,” meaning if we are
having an experience of abuse, we want it on some deep level…
because it feels familiar, almost comfortable like old walking shoes.
Putting on a new pair of shoes that are tighter fitting doesn’t feel
so good at first, does it? It’s the same with putting on a new heart
and mindset. It’s very unsettling like an annoying itch, in the
beginning.
True healing, just like a wound that is starting to heal, is not easy.
The discomfort will make you want to stop. Releasing of toxins,
whether they be emotional or physical or otherwise, makes the
body feel worse while going through it. But it won’t last.
Have faith…everything is going to be OK, but you must do something
different.
Your Next Steps:
1) Join me for this free workshop on 2/8/22 at 5pm CT. Register HERE
”3 Secrets to Survive the Stress of Divorce: Helping Moms
and Their Kids Through It.”
2) Schedule some time to chat with me and see if partnering
privately or through my women’s group, Women’s Empowerment
Through Divorce and Loss, is the right next step for you.
Guiding women to a brighter future after divorce/loss,
Angie Monko
