Are you searching for inner peace? In this blog, I narrate the story of YOU, from birth to present. I relay the loss of innocence and feeling unlovable as a result of the birth of the EGO and bruises sustained from loss. I conclude with 10 ways in which to counter the pain of life and reach inner peace.
The Story Of You
Let me tell you the story about a little girl, named you. On the day you were born, you were perfect. Your perfect little heart was open wide for love. You hadn’t learned to close it. Everything was new through your newborn eyes. All was a mystery. An exciting mystery. And that was OK.
You reached out with your soft, velvety hands and touched, squeezed and pinched your mommy’s or daddy’s face, hands, neck, lips. You didn’t know not to reach out. It felt as natural as breathing.
You Came With A Blank Slate
You slept a lot. You drank and ate soft food. You pooped and peed and had your diaper changed. You cried when you needed something. In this perfect little story, your needs were all attended to for you. No one had loaded fear, doubt, insecurity, jobs, tasks, expectations into your tiny little heart. No standards were set for you…yet. Everyone doted on your beautiful tiny self.
As you grew, you began to realize you have this body. It didn’t always cooperate with you, but you were getting the hang of how to use it to get around. Your humans were still pretty cool to be around. They made big deals about everything you did, especially when you began using your legs to walk.
NOTE: If this doesn’t describe your childhood, that’s OK. Just play along. The details won’t be the same, but look for the parts that match your heart’s knowing. May you feel a connection to yourself that you haven’t felt for a while. We are all connected and one and share similar feelings.
“Hey, I’m Still Here!”
When you were 7-years-old, you felt taller and stronger. But you also felt sad because others didn’t pay as much attention to you. You weren’t that bright, shiny new baby anymore. Your younger brother of two years, Jake, soaked up all of that attention. You had many needs, just as before, but for some reason, your parents didn’t focus on them. Mom and Dad no longer had time to really talk to you. You felt alone. You played alone with your Barbies and frogs. You learned to figure things out on your own.
Your heart was still very much open. You wanted to be with your mom, dad and younger sibling. Just hang out. But it didn’t happen much. You liked being outside in nature with the frogs, crickets, turtles, and trees.
The Confession
You loved sleeping outside in a tent with your neighbor friend, Pattie (2 years older than you), looking up at the summer night sky, gazing at the millions of stars. It was your favorite thing in the whole world to do with your best friend.
One such night, you and Pattie were lying out in the tent, after finishing off some pizza rolls and mac and cheese. Your tummies were full. You felt safe. You decided to confide in Pattie, “I get sad.” She asked what about.
“My mom and dad work all of the time. My kid brother is boring. All he wants to do is play video games and stay inside. I like being out here better. With you. Thank you for being my friend. You are really my only friend.”
Hurt And Betrayed
Pattie began to fidget and seemed uncomfortable with your words. Maybe it felt like a lot of pressure to her since you confessed to being her only friend, “Well that sounds depressing. Can we talk aboug something else? I’m not one of those…you know…shrinks…or whatever you call ’em. I mean…like…I like hanging out with you, but I have a lot of friends.”
You’re lying there on your back in the tent, and it feels like you’ve just been slapped hard on your face. You vulnerably shared your heart, and Pattie stomped all over it. You went silent because you didn’t know what to say. Finally, you whispered, “It’s okay. Never mind I said anything.”
You were quiet the rest of the evening until you both fell asleep. The next day when you woke up, Pattie was gone. She didn’t even wait to say goodbye. That was the last time she ever came over. You could only assume that whatever you said made her so uncomfortable that she no longer wanted to be your friend.
You even tried calling her later that same day, but she wouldn’t answer the phone. After several attempts to connect over the next month with no answer, you gave up. You saw her playing with other kids at school and she just ignored you. This REALLY hurt you.
The Birth of Your Ego & Independence
A few months later on June 30th, you turned 8 years old. Sadly, you didn’t have any friends to invite over to your birthday party. It was just you, your mom, dad and Jake. Your grandparents lived out of state and you had no other family around.
Losing Pattie rocked your world. Unbeknownst to you, it was around this time that your brain was forming what is called the EGO mind, that acts like an analytical barrier to your heart. You began filtering things out that you didn’t want to deal with it–like people.
Being OK With Being A Nerd
When you turned 15-years-old, you continued your introverted streak. Jake was being a brat for your parents and still swallowing up all of their attention. You joined the debate club in high school because you trusted your mind. You also relished using your quick wit and articulate tongue as a weapon to get revenge against those dumb jerks who rejected you because you were sensitive and smart.
A New Friend
Eventually you found a “nerdie friend” in the club. Dana shared some of your quirks: your desire to be alone, to feel more comfortable in the presence of dogs, cats, and nature than people, to prefer books over talking. She even shared your fascination of haunted houses and spirits.
Despite your dislike of most humans, somehow you and Dana tolerated each other and even came to trust one another. This process didn’t happen overnight. You had to prove to each other after nearly a year that you wouldn’t backstab each other or betray your secrets gingerly shared.
Over the years and even into college, your trust in Dana deepened. You considered her a GOOD PERSON and were honored to call her Friend. You realized you were more of a ONE PERSON type of gal. You didn’t need alot of friends, even a handful. One would do, and that one was Dana.
The Fall
It was the fall of your senior year in college. You were 22-years-old, staring out the window at a beautiful orange, red and golden-leaved tree (your favorite one on the campus who you named Henry). Your comparative literature professor droned on. You were looking forward to a fun weekend of going to a pumpkin patch and fall craft festival with your mom and Dana.
Some skinny, tall, dude peeked his head into the classroom door, and whispered, “Sorry to interrupt. May I speak to you?” He pointed directly at you. You were confused, “ME?” He nodded.
You gathered your books and walked outside into the hallway with him. His eyes were wide and terrified. OMG. What’s he going to tell me, you wondered. “Ma’am, I’m so sorry to be the bearer of bad news…but your friend, Dana Polton, has been in an accident.”
Your heart sank–you knew she hadn’t survived. You instinctively let out a gut-wrenching scream and fell to your knees. “NOOOOO!!!!! Not again!” This was worse than Pattie. It was so final. You just couldn’t believe it. You stayed on the ground. This poor fella tried to lift you up, but you weren’t going anywhere. He actually had to track down your emergency contact, your mom, to come get you. You were in a daze.
Life Goes On–But How Much
Fast forward 15 years. You’re now 37 years old. You began dating a guy, Tim, in the last 3 years. To say you were satisfied and happy in the relationship would be an over-statement. You set your standards low. You weren’t in love.
When you lost Dana, you vowed to never open your heart again to love or trust anyone like that. In your mind, loving your immediate family, your mom, dad and brother, was about all your fragile heart could muster up.
The friendship betrayal, and then the brutal blindside, God’s cruel joke of taking Dana far too soon, was too much for you to handle. Tim was a fill-in, a substitute, and not a very exciting one at that. The more you thought about it, the more you realized it wasn’t fair to keep him on the line in your relationship. You sensed a breakup on the horizon. Ugh.
Your Turn
What kind of feelings did this stir up for you, dear reader? Could you relate to any of it?
Life is hard and can suck at times. How would you advise YOU in this case? Will our heroine (you) settle for a numbed-out existence? Or will she seek help to heal her heart and find inner peace?
10 Ways To Reach Inner Peace
1. Compassion/Empathy
Give yourself a huge dose of compassion. Tell yourself, “Ahhhh…there now. It’s OK. Everything is going to be OK.” You didn’t create the tragedy. You happen to be living it, but you didn’t ask for all of the pain. Go easy on yourself.
2. Forgiveness of Others.
Forgive others for being imperfectly human, as you are. Are you withholding forgiveness from someone or something? Are you holding grudges and resentments? Especially look at your relationship with your mom and dad. Does someone annoy you or frustrate you, and you’d rather avoid them? These are indications of withholding forgiveness. You don’t have to have a huge revenge plot for it to constitute un-forgiveness. Forgiveness releases YOU from the burden of victim and martyr tendencies.
3. Forgiveness of Self
Forgive yourself for your past because you can never change it. Do you believe in your heart that somehow you are flawed, wrong or not enough? Have you done something that you believe is not forgivable? How can you dig deep and let yourself know that you DO deserve to be forgiven? We all do. Call on a Higher Power to help you with this. When we know better, we generally do better. You didn’t know better, and that’s OK.
4. Forgiveness of God or Higher Power
Set an intention to heal your relationship with the Creator of all that is. It doesn’t matter how you define this, the Universe, God, Nature, Expanded Self, Higher Self, etc. Do you believe deep in your soul that Life does not support you? That you aren’t loved or cared for? That Life is a dangerous, unreasonable experience? How can you shift this? The quality of our lives depends upon the quality of the questions asked. What if you began to ask, “How can I begin to feel safe and supported and trust the process of life?”
5. Communing with Nature.
Nature is neutral and yet so brutal at times. Animals kill to eat every day. Hurricanes, tornadoes, tidal waves–nature takes lives. And yet being out in the sunshine, hiking a wooded path, touching the soil and the plants and trees is so life-affirming. Nature is life-giving. It represents a perfect contrast of “good” and “bad,” just like Life does. We can learn a lot from Nature.
6. Acceptance of Reality
The more we resist and fight what is, the more we suffer. How do you feel when you say, “I should be doing this or that,” when you aren’t? It feels gross. Shameful. Misaligned. Doesn’t it feel much better to own that we are flawed humans who will never get Life perfectly right? State, “I should be doing _______(fill in blank with how you currently show up) because I am.” Doesn’t that feel better?
7. Arresting Addiction
What are you using to stop feeling? Food, alcohol, drugs, TV, work, porn, etc.? I truly believe we are all addicted to something. What way of thinking is behind the physical substance or behavior? Is it a belief such as, “I need alcohol to make me more sociable and relaxed….to have fun…to have enough pleasure in my life,” etc.? Addiction provides a temporary relief, but the fix becomes less satisfying and more damaging over time.
8. Taking Personal Responsibility
Are you blaming another person for where you’re at? Regardless of how your parents treated you or what someone else has done to you, the act is over. There is no going back. We don’t control what others do to us or what cards Life dealt us. What we do control is how often we keep playing the same stories in our minds and hearts–how we keep perceiving our past. Is it time to move on and reclaim your power from your parents, people, politics, pandemics, etc.?
9. Trusting Yourself
Do you stick to your word to yourself when it comes to commitments you make? If not, this can erode your self-trust. What if you asked, “How can I begin to trust myself? What would it feel like to honor my word to myself? How would my life change?”
10. Setting Boundaries
Ask yourself, “Do I respect myself? Do I value my body, mind, heart and soul? Do I treat myself as a friend, or do I abuse myself with perfectionistic expectations? Do I practice self-care and not see this as selfish?” When you truly care for yourself and set healthy boundaries, you make decisions from a place of “I want to do this because I love and respect myself” versus feeling sorry for yourself and feeling deprived because you “can’t” have that cookie or glass of wine.
When we begin to live these practices, we can let go of feeling resentful, overly self-protective, self-absorbed and find inner peace. Grief and tragedy can either make us feel jaded by life and harden our heart. Or they can soften us and open our heart. Closing our heart IS normal, but it makes for a numb life.
Are you ready for more inner peace and joy? You gotta get to the energetic, destructive cellular memories in the body and begin to replace them with happier images, where you can begin to shift out of the victim paradigm. Then, you will be able to practice the above with ease and flow.
You’ve got this! Let me support you. I have effective tools and techniques to heal the issues of the heart. Check out my upcoming masterclass for details.
Much Love,
Angie Monko,
Life Coach for Intuitive Women Leaders
