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Are you a people-pleaser (PP) and proud of it?
Now before you go saying yes to that, because you LIKE to give and please others and it brings you great joy, let me give you my definition of people-pleasing.
People-pleasing is when you try to live your life as the “good girl” or “good boy” for everyone else because you’re afraid they won’t love you if you don’t.
This is a ME focus because it’s centered around your fear as the foundation; it’s about self-protection. They’ll leave if you aren’t good according to some unrealistic, perfectionist standard.
You may not have thought about this consciously, but I promise you your subconscious mind has thought of it.
You over-give and then resent THEM for it.
I’ve been a people-pleaser my whole life and didn’t realize how much until the last year. It was a blind spot.
So I betrayed myself through addictive eating, negative self-talk, not getting the right support, and perfectionism.
I believed that other people, in particular my Dad and other people who had negative things to say about me, determined my worth and lovable-ness.
Did I listen to the majority who loved me? OF course not.
So what is the solution? Let me first tell you what the solution is NOT:
1) It’s NOT not giving again.
2) It’s NOT not loving again.
3) It’s NOT not helping others again.
When we do those things right, it feels wonderful. I’m just saying, let’s do MORE of those things in a certain way.
The solution is to open our heart and LOVE and GIVE. Give up our “Have To’s” and replace them with “Want To’s!”
This involves a decision to love people regardless of outcomes, regardless of how they treat us. It means diving into the deep end of the pool without guarantees.
Love or spirituality is the unknown. Our EGO, conscious mind, or personality won’t approve or want to go there.
Our EGO is designed to want to protect itself from perceived threats. The problem is that almost 99% of the threats out there are not real.
They are tricks of the mind, lies we make up as we interpret what happens to us.
I recently made up a lie that I was “betrayed” by a certain network group. I wanted to recoil in self-protection. Remember the ME based system.
“What did I do wrong? How are they wrong?” I wanted to know.
Why does anyone have to be wrong? Under this new way of thinking, everyone gets a free pass. Why? Because everyone is doing their best, and my bias is that “That’s good enough!”
Don’t we all deserve to be given the benefit of the doubt? A little grace…
This life experience is about contrast. We wouldn’t want everyone to think alike or be like us. That would be boring! Yes, it’s nice to have a safe place to land with like-minded people.
When we open our heart and love with grace, all places become safe. All people become safe. We forgive our mistakes and our past. And we extend this courtesy to others.
I’d like to talk with you. Let’s see if we’d be good partners in helping you stop people-pleasing and start loving.
Go here to see if it makes sense for us to chat.
Courageously,
Angie Monko
