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I recently had a client ask me to just sit with him for 10 minutes in silence because my presence calms him. I was touched by this vulnerable request and gladly granted it.

My late daughter, Maddie, wanted me to do this with her, but I found it difficult to sit still without talking, watching TV, or DOING something.

Do ever find it really difficult to be a loving human being? Our nature is to be self-absorbed and self-seeking. It just IS. It’s not good or bad.

You and I have certain needs. When all of our needs are being met, or at least we perceive they are, we can be pretty cool to hang with. When one or more of those needs aren’t being met, we can turn on
others—pretty fast.

For example, if our security need for money isn’t met, or even if we imagine it won’t be met in the future, we can feel like melting into a puddle of oblivion. We can grow metaphorical quills on our body and keep others away from us.

We can begin criticizing others for THEIR shortcomings, repelling potential clients by our fearful “needy” energy, blaming our partner for where we are at in life, and basically worrying about everything.

The other day I attended a networking event and sat next to Liz, a woman I’ve known for years, but not well. When I smiled at her and made eye contact, I sensed her discomfort in seeing me.

At the end of the event, we had a chance to speak one-on-one. She said, “Every time I see your face, I feel sad and don’t know what to say or think.”

I replied, “Purple dragonfly.” We’d just heard Laura Lynne Dyer speak for a few minutes about five visuals she created that we can say to give another an idea of what we are needing in that moment.

Purple dragonfly means we want a hug and to feel nurtured. Liz proceeded to give me a huge, heartfelt hug.

I said, “As far as what to say, you don’t have to SAY much at all, if anything. You don’t have to say you understand my particular pain. A hug is great…if you really want to say words, you could say, HOW ARE YOU (and mean it). I’m thinking of you and sending you so much love.”

We over-complicate things and make other people’s pain ABOUT US. We make things awkward because we project that THEY will have their pain stirred up if we address the loss they have sustained.

AND we avoid them because it brings up our own discomfort with our own pain.

If we want to truly help another, we have to have enough in our cup to give to another. If we are drained and out of energy and motivation, we won’t be able to give back as much to others.

Makes sense right? Since losing Maddie, I have still been able to help others and give service from the heart. However, I’ve not had the same level of motivation, and I’m trying to prioritize my time and go where I feel called.

I don’t have the same amount of energy because I NEED MORE time for myself to go within and ground myself. So I schedule less.

So the first step to truly helping another is to make sure we have enough energy and desire to do so.

The next step is to approach another with compassion and a desire to authentically connect. Again, you don’t have to SAY a whole lot. Just be real. A HUG is enough, a squeeze of the shoulders, “I’m thinking about you.”


If we really want to help others in a profound way without burning out and feeling resentful, we must first help ourselves.

Let’s have a conversation. No pressure. If you feel that you’re not living and loving as fully as you’d like, and life has lost some of its luster, reply to this email.

I’m teaching the next Frontier to Freedom class June 20th. We can discuss if that would make sense to attend.


Angie Monko