Think of a time when you were shocked by a situation or person’s behavior. Maybe someone’s words cut you like a knife…..
Maybe someone betrayed you and it left you feeling dazed, confused, hurt…like a dog who bends its head sideways in bewilderment “Hmmmm?”
Whenever I’m blindsided by something, it’s usually the precursor to a wake-up call. It’s the Universe’s way of highlighting a blind spot in my awareness.
This past August I gave a brief talk to a network group I’d been a part of for almost two years. I was talking about creating a culture where we have each other’s back and creating authentic connection, and something called Ohana.
It’s an idea in Hawaiian culture. The word Ohana means family in the Hawaiian language, and family means no one gets left behind or forgotten.
I got some negative feedback that some people were upset about my discussion. That’s when I got that shocked, “deer in the headlights” sort of feeling. How could this discussion upset anyone, I thought?
Since then, I’ve remembered that many of us are terrified of authentic connection and communication. We bury our heads in the sand and pretend to not know what’s happening. We ALL do it, including
myself.
I was pretending to not know that the majority of this group wasn’t my “tribe.” I needed to break my co-dependent tendency to stay too long in a situation that is no longer working.
Sometimes walking away from a situation is the best, most mature choice. Notice I’m not talking about running away out of fear. That’s something totally different, an unhealthy escape.
This brand of staying when it’s no longer a good match or alignment with my values is an unhealthy reliance on something outside of myself to “prove” I’m enough. It’s another example of taking too much responsibility for things I don’t control.
For example, the thinking was, “I am responsible for how people receive me and if they refer me. I need to stay to be loving and kind and not withdraw from a place of fear. I need to figure this out!”
But what if I’m supposed to withdraw from a place of love?
The question becomes: should we force a situation by adjusting ourselves into some form of settling compliance?
People who are conscious often let things roll off of their backs and can handle things. They are malleable to a situation. This is both a blessing AND a curse.
It’s a blessing because they are flexible to life, but it’s a curse because they often shoulder what should be other people’s responsibilities.
So what are you pretending not to know? Staying in a situation or relationship that doesn’t align with our world view and values creates its own brand of suffering. And as a wise man said, pain happens to all us in life, but suffering is optional.
I help women become un-apologetically themselves and break the “good girl” people-pleasing habit so they can thrive and be really “alive.”
Is there a certain relationship or group dynamic that is no longer working?
Let’s talk. I want to get to know you. Come hang out with me on Thursday, 3/14 for the Frontier to Your Freedom experiment. Be you. Be with others who value getting real about what’s going on for them too.
Courageously,
Angie Monko
