There is a payoff to every thing we do. Otherwise
we wouldn’t do it. Sometimes we have to dig a
little to find out what that is.
So what’s in it for you regarding people pleasing?
1) It gives us instant gratification by pleasing another
in that moment, hoping they will continue to like us
and stay with us (self protection against abandonment).
2) It preserves the image of our nice self (self protection).
3) It relieves the tension and pressure produced by
the possibility that someone may judge us or not like
us if we say no or if we express our true thoughts/
feelings (self protection against abandonment).
4) It protects us from the imagined possibility of attack
(physical, emotional or verbal) from someone we’ve
5) We believe we’re avoiding hurting another’s feelings
(which seems good at first, but we’re not being forthright,
and this will bite us in the butt later by feelings of resentment
on both sides).
6) When we say yes right away, it lets us off the hook
emotionally, at least in the short term.
7) It helps us to feel in control of circumstances if we
constantly give and arrange events to our liking.
8) It allows us to hide behind subtle, indirect complaints
and other passive aggressive behaviors.
Don’t Buy Into the Short-Term Fix of People Pleasing
Just like our culture values outer resources over inner
resources, we value the short term fix over the long term
But the long term consequences are devastating to
1) We sacrifice intimacy in our relationships and true
2) We gossip to others instead of talking directly to
the one we have a conflict with. Gossiping is damaging
and hurtful, and it allows us to avoid looking within.
3) By avoiding conflict, and saying yes all the time,
resentment builds. Resentment destroys relationship.
4) People pleasing promotes a fake harmony because
we wear a mask (often a smiling one) which drives
dishonesty in the form of withheld information, not overt
lies. This drives disconnection and destroys relationships.
So my hope is that you’re seeing the high cost of people
pleasing. If you want to arrest this habit that destroys families,
communities, and even nations, then keep tuning in.
Our Society Applauds the Martyr
The solution is empowered loving. This is where we learn
to empower ourselves through loving and accepting ourselves.
We aren’t taught how to do that.
Our culture praises the martyr, one who is never selfish, never
tooting their own horn, always sacrificing with a smile on their face,
giving until they drop with exhaustion, sacrificing their health
and well being.
This is fake serenity. It is not sustainable.
Our nature as people pleasers is to over-give and take over-
responsibility. Over-extending ourselves negatively impacts our
health over time as stress always does.
In the next two vlogs/blogs, we will discuss the vast benefits of
arresting this subtly destructive habit that creeps into a culture
and weakens its structure, like cancer does to a body.
Join me and Morgan in our movement to arrest people pleasing
and replace it with empowered loving. The time is now because
what are you waiting for? Our families need us to step up to
our best selves.
Reply to this email. We want to talk with you and see how
we can help you create a new story, a more alive vision for
In Loving Service,