After having lost Maddie, my daughter, on 10/26/18, I’ve been aware that it was real easy to connect with my husband, Steve, right after it happened. I almost felt like I needed to cling on to him for dear life.
I’m not saying the latter is healthy, but we tend to slip back into old habits of connection once the intensity or newness of a situation wears off.
It’s been almost 7 weeks since Maddie has been gone, and I can’t say things get easier. Maybe they got harder…as the reality sets in that she is really gone.
I’ve also noticed that Steve and I have been bickering more this last two weeks as I’ve tried to get back into work.
Life is much easier if we don’t have any responsibility and can just hang out all day.
But alas, that’s not reality. So we bicker. Some anger comes up that I won’t get to share Christmas with Maddie. I see her Christmas list on her iphone, and I feel incredibly sad and cheated. All she wanted was to breathe. To live…
I’ve looked at this reality on a deeper level with myself and with clients who have a tendency to fear deep connection with themselves and others.
Any time we have experienced a great loss as a child or even later, it makes sense that we will protect our heart from further loss as an adult.
So I have noticed there is a fear of connecting as much with Steve as I could be. If I open my heart to him (or anyone else) as much as I did with Maddie, they will die and leave me too,
This is a subconscious belief, but isn’t it worth exploring?
When we are afraid to connect with others, we will get busy… busy doing just about anything to self-protect.
We can disconnect through the mind and over analyzing of facts and people. We can retreat into Invisibility and not wanting anyone to notice us.
We can hide behind humor, chaos/distraction, busy-ness as already mentioned, defensiveness, addiction, perfectionism so we can fly under the radar and so many other things.
Pick your flavor. Mine has been busy-ness, Invisibility, and addictive
eating.
We must remember that life is a game or illusion of sorts. Nothing is really as it appears. This must mean that death is also not real. Let’s question our thoughts: Is it really not safe to connect with others?
Loss is a normal part of the human experience, and WE CAN handle it.
“Let nothing disturb you, let nothing frighten you: everything passes away except God; God alone is sufficient.” St. Teresa of Avila.
Speaking of connection, I’d love to connect with you. Come join my community of like-minded souls who want to truly live a life that really matters. Do what you love. Spend time with those you really
want to be with.
Frontier to Freedom is this Thursday, 12/13/18. Register here.
Courageously,
Angie Monko
