Dear Friends,

In the last article I spoke about food guilt, and now I want to show how it’s related to my obsession for the perfect weight.  These last two days I’ve felt frustrated and somewhat defective for my body not releasing weight quickly enough,  even though my food choices have gotten much healthier.   I’m pretty certain it is not my food that keeps me heavier than I’d like to be.  I know my eight-year-old within doesn’t want to release the weight (as I’ve discussed in another blog) because the weight keeps me strong.

It’s strange because I have not been conversing with this part of me about it to “convince” her to allow the weight release.  Maybe there is a bigger lesson for me? Day 11 (July 13) of my consciousness cleanse was on Acceptance, and it seemed appropriate.  My created mantra was “I love and appreciate my body and send it loving kindness.”  I don’t believe I’ve truly relaxed into life yet and that keeps the weight on.
A couple of days ago I was fine with my body.  I had even told my coach that if I don’t release the 15 pounds, I’m fine with that.  I think my ego has reared its head today, saying, “Oh you think you’re going to be at peace with your body?  I’ll show you!” hahahah  It’s really kind of funny. The food guilt just adds to the drama.

I don’t always fully enjoy my food choices and savor them because I’m fearful that I’m making the wrong choices for me, that I’m making choices that will keep me overweight. As a result, I don’t ever quite relax.  Even on good days when I don’t consciously worry about food or body image, I believe that I am worried subconsciously. My ego that so identifies with form (anything in the material world) wants to keep me on constant vigil. It keeps telling me it isn’t safe to relax.  I know this is diseased thinking.  Most days,
I don’t think about it actively, but it’s like a silent partner in my subconscious mind. It will surface if anything negative happens.  I just realized why it reared its head yesterday. I judged someone in my mind for being irresponsible and lazy, and in so doing, I separated myself with attack thoughts.   And then I even gossiped very briefly about this person with my Mom.

As I spoke to her, I could feel my ego expanding and my peace leaving.  So I guess I do need to stay on constant vigil with my egoic thoughts and keep them in check.  As long as I do this, I expect that I won’t have to constantly judge my food choices.  I bet food doesn’t like being judged any more than people.  I say this in jest, but I know there is truth to it because everyting is made of energy.  If I think what I’m putting in my mouth is “bad,” it won’t digest and assimilate into my body as well. So what have I learned?
I need to stay alert to my diseased thinking and ask myself if my food choice is right for me in the moment, whether it’s cooked, raw, or some variation.  I need to stop judging my food so strictly, give myself a chance to relax and know I’m doing the food thing perfectly because it is my best right now.

I will send love to my food and bless it as I currently do.  This morning, I did bikram yoga before work.  Of course, Universe planted this gorgeous, perfect-looking woman right in front of me who was obviously very advanced in her practice, as she had perfected many of the poses.  Surprisingly,  my thighs didn’t look fatter to me (you know how our minds can distort things when we feel badly about ourselves). I was aware that I felt some envy of her.  Rather quickly, I also realized that God had put this woman there for me to feel
insecure, to bring up the frustration associated with the thought,  “Why can’t I be thinner?!” so that I could reclaim my power from it.

My ego wants to convince me that I’m inferior because my physical form is not as appealing as others.  My ego definitely wants me to identify with my form.  It’s such a strong pull, isn’t it?  I know that my greater lesson in all of this is to learn detachment from my body form.  That is not to say I shouldn’t nurture and care for my body and love it and feed it healthy food and thought.  When I say I want to detach from my body, I mean that I want to keep a healthy perspective about my body.  I want to lovingly accept what is.

Our bodies will get old and eventually deteriorate and die.  While I’m vibrantly healthy, I want to appreciate this.  I want to send love and appreciation to fine specimens of the human body like that woman in my yoga class, not jealousy or envy because “she can do it better than me.”  That is pure ego. So awareness is key.  Next, I will keep feeding myself healthy thoughts that I’m really a magnificent being merely using this body for a vehicle.  I will also allow myself to feel frustration and then release it.

This is just food for thought….and I hope it helps you!

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Peace & Blessings,

Angie Monko,

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