Regret. Longing. Such heavy feelings. I’m down to the
last two journal entries of my late daughter, Maddie’s,
personal journal (light blue journal shown in picture).
When she left this world on 10/26/18 (at age 22), everything changed.
With the death of someone we love very much, a new canvas
lies before us. There is a hole left in our heart where we used
to give our love. Now I pour my love for Maddie into a well
worn stuffed elephant bearing one of her favorite red-checkered
shirts (in picture).
My Ell-y sleeps with me every night for the last 2 years
since some good friends gave her to me, along with a mom
and baby elephant pairing that Wendy Breese gifted me
shortly after Maddie left this realm (in picture).
The familiar voice, the face we adore, the shared conversations
that left us feeling warm and connected, like we understood
each other…gone. A piece of us is forever gone.
Also gone are the worries we had about their health, our
need to control how well they did or didn’t take care of themselves,
the fear of loss, the fear of their suffering.
Shortly after Maddie died, I found this journal of her feelings,
and I began reading a page per day. When I got to the end of that,
I started over.
One day I asked Maddie for more, “Surely you have more written
some where?” Almost immediately I was guided to another
journal in her closet that had writing all the way up to 6 months
prior to her departure. I was so happy! She stopped writing 4/13/18.
So by the time you read this in two days, I’ll have come to the end
of her journal. It almost feels like losing her all over again. It has
really shown me her inner world of pain AND joy, how she struggled
with food addiction, when she said she stopped talking to boys
because it was just too painful to risk being hurt again.
I remember how she can began stitching up her heart after
a big break up, not allowing others in—she once told me that
she could only love me and her dad because opening one’s
heart is just too painful.
Reading her journal makes it very clear that I made some
choices (how I handled the divorce, custody, etc.) that hurt her,
affected how she thought of herself, how she viewed the world.
So yes, I have regrets.
But yet I can’t take the past back. I must make peace with it,
if I’m to move forward. I must forgive myself for ALL of my
choices. I must forgive God for his time table.
When life beats us up, we want to point the finger at a
Higher Power, rightfully so. We want to argue with reality, rail
against it, get revenge for what we’ve been through. But this
rarely ever does much good, except we get to release some venom.
What IS effective is slowing down and taking a hard look at
how we’re living. Reprioritizing. Forgiving ourselves and the process
of life. Letting go of what others think of us, and finally just being…
ourselves.
For so long after my divorce, I wondered how I could be so stupid,
give up so much. When we make “poor” choices, it’s often because
we are trying to please another human, keep the peace, go along with.
Ultimately, we sacrifice ourselves and our own needs so people
don’t get mad at us. Had I been more confident and secure in myself,
I would have made vastly different choices that would have helped
Maddie have a healthier self esteem.
But that wasn’t meant to be, in this life time, anyway. It all unfolded
as it was supposed to. Who knows? Maybe in another universe there is
another story of me and Maddie, where things turned out much
differently, where she’s still alive and thriving, and we are vacationing
today in Colorado, watching a pinkish-orange sunset.
So why should you retreat with me and Morgan, in just over 3 weeks?
Because you don’t want to live a life of regret…you want to stay true
to your needs and desires.
To do this, you must Let Go Of What They Think. It’s a pre-requisite.
If not, you’ll probably betray yourself (like I did) and most assuredly make
choices you’ll regret and harm you and others. It doesn’t have to be
this way. Do Something Different. It’s time now.
So many words have you learnt, so many you have spoken. You
know everything, but you do not know yourself. For the Self is not
known through words—only direct insight will reveal it. Look within,
search within. Maharaj
Love,
Angie & Morgan
PS: We will take you through a process we’ve discovered through our
own experiences to help you heal unhealthy people-pleasing habits
and invite more closeness, connection and happiness.
