I felt burnt out for the first time in my business–like my efforts were no longer good enough to attract the women I want to work with. I needed time off, to get space, away from the pressure of writing and doing social media posts. Since I lost my 22-year-old daughter, Maddie, on 10/26/18 due to her having cystic fibrosis, I haven’t been the same.
Angies family--Angie, Maddie with koala bear, Steve, and Chelsea

Sure, I tried to keep busy and grow my business with a couple, two-year business collaborations that didn’t pan out as I’d hoped. For the last 4 years, I’ve been seeking to do life and business with others that feels right to me.

I put a lot of time, money and effort into these two partnerships/collaborations, which didn’t yield the fruit my EGO wanted.  But maybe…it was exactly what I needed. Time will tell. As a generator in human design, putting in the work with unequal reward is a recipe for frustration.

Sometimes I don’t know what I want to say to you. I’ve got a lot to say, though, and I actually love to write. So why haven’t I? I think I’ve felt a bit jaded, knocked down by life. Please don’t feel sorry for me. I’m not looking for sympathy.

I AM looking for compassion, for you to see beyond my story of suffering. I’m just a human, like you, and we all feel not enough at times. Don’t you…feel like things should be different at times?

I wish I could wave a magic wand and accept Reality as it Is, to know all is happening exactly as it should be and FOR me.

On some days, I can do this. I practice gratitude every day. I tell myself, “Stay in the moment. Stay here. Feel your feelings. Feel your body. Be in your body. Look at what is so beautiful about the present moment.”

This works until the next wave of feeling and sensation that convinces me that I need to be somehow different than I am, that Life should be other than it is.

This past Saturday, we celebrated what would be Maddie’s 28th birthday with a few of her/my friends and family. Her actual birthday is today, April 18th.

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Maddie, Angie's daughter, holding a huge fish she caught in the Great Barrier Reef Australia.

 

I Am Proud of Myself

I celebrated Maddie’s birthday 6 years after her last one alive because it was time to mourn her with others. We had an initial celebration of life when she first died. I’ve grieved daily (this is an internal experience). Mourning is what we share with others, and I’ve done much less of this.

I find it much more difficult to vulnerably speak in front of my family than in front of Maddie’s and my close friends.  It’s very clear that I don’t feel as safe to be me with my family, because I fear being judged. Intimacy has not been easy.

I decided to stand in front of the 22 people who came to the party (how ironic since Maddie died at age 22) and express my feelings of missing Maddie, feeling guilty at times for not being a good enough Mom to her, and sharing special memories. I felt very proud of having the courage to do this to honor Maddie AND my feelings.

It was very comforting and healing to me and Maddie’s friends to be able to share that they’ve not really processed their grief fully.  They shared what a deep, loyal, amazing friend Maddie was and that they probably will never find another like her.

My Dad was able to get some things off of his chest too, not criticizing Maddie but venting some complex family issues that impacted his relationship with her.

I was open to however this gathering would serve each person. If they didn’t want to share anything about Maddie, I enouraged them to speak of someone they grieved.  It turned out exactly as it was supposed to, and the connections felt real. I am so grateful.

 

I Miss My Feisty Maddie

I love Maddie so much and miss her. She feels close lately, like I can hear her telling me, “Mommy, hang in there. Just keep being you. Tell the truth as you see it. You’re doing great. You are so brave. Blaze your own trail and don’t worry about how others do business.”

I am courageous. I believe you are too. We need people in our corner, who we can trust to have our back. I am a very loyal person. I value authenticity, health, and deeply connecting heart-to-heart.

I am the Queen of Woowoo and proud of it. If it’s about energy, I’m all in.

What do YOU value? Do our values match?

I Awoke at 3AM With Clarity


I help intuitive women leaders to stop people pleasing and feeling like an imposter in their own life to claiming authentic self-leadership.

I woke up at 3am the other day and got a download of how I help women become empowered leaders. I teach women like you to:

1. Put on your oxygen mask first. Give yourself permission to take care of your needs FIRST (yes even before your kids) and ditch the guilt for doing so.

2. Authentically express yourself. We get rid of about 80% of our toxins through exhaling. You need to be able to tell the truth, even if that’s anger, rage, shame, guilt. Release it from your system by telling it to someone who can hold the space for you without taking it to heart or making it about them.

3. Surrender the need to control. Control is an illusion. It will keep you clutching dearly to life to maintain a feeling of safety. What if safety were but a breath away?

If you resonate with this message and who I am, let’s talk. Set a complimentary Overcome Imposter Syndrome and Come Home to Yourself call now.

We need each other to get along in this world. We need to feel loved, safe and supported. There is no shame in that. I’m here for you and will support you like you’ve never been before. You just have to ask.

Reply to this email with your thoughts and feelings. Set a time to talk with me. It just takes one step.

Much Love,

Angie Monko, Life Coach for Intuitive Women Leaders