How do you assess your value? Is it based on material successes, like how much money you have in your bank account? Or do you determine your value by how much you weigh or how beautiful you look and dress?
You matter regardless of how much you accomplish in your life or by any other number or version of enoughness.
If you’re a woman in your 40’s and up, you may be more and more critical of your outer packaging, your physical appearance. The older you get, you may even feel less and less significant, “What do I have to offer this world?”
No matter your age, it’s important to recognize and celebrate your value and worth. To do this, you need to feel safe and supported first. Then you can process the information around you so that you don’t buy into societal evaluations of who you should be.

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STEP 1: Call Out the LIE: You’ve Been Programmed to Believe a Certain Way

 

Are you afraid of what’s around the corner? Getting older can be scary. If you’re like most women, you want to feel secure, financially and emotionally. You want to feel loved and appreciated for who you are. You want to be heard, seen, and respected for all of the service you give to so many, your spouse, kids, parents, co-workers, and on and on.
But what is this emptiness you feel in your gut at times? This deep loneliness that you have because of the disconnection to yourself, others and Source?
You’ve been told that your worth depends on your accomplishments, your image, how nice you are, how pleasing to look at.  What if this is all a crock of BS?
You see, as long as you can be controlled through fear, fear of losing your youthful appearance, losing your vigor and vitality, losing your sexual attractiveness, losing your worth in some way, you are not free.
So the first step is to call out the lie that your value depends on something other than your intrinsic worth.

Who Taught You to Conditionally Love Yourself?

 

Often well-meaning parents teach you your first values and how to view yourself. Sometimes they do this through their words and advice, but more often than not, they do it through their role modeling.

In addition, societal expectations determine your beliefs about you–the collective consciousness. Some beliefs are so ingrained we don’t question their viability, like women are the ones mainly responsible for raising the children and taking care of the household.

Since you were a little girl (or boy), unless you had a very rare parent, you were rewarded for your “goodness,” “good deeds,” and nice behavior. You were praised. There is nothing wrong with praise in general, unless it was withheld and you were criticized when you made mistakes.
For example, how were you treated when you didn’t get all good grades or when you broke a glass, or when you intentionally tried to set a boundary and say no? Some parents call their kids stupid and say things like, “You’ll never amount to anything good in life!”

Parents aren’t consciously inflicting pain, even when they say blatantly cruel words such as the above. It’s what they were taught, AND they truly believe that somehow their negativity will motivate you to change your ways.

This early childhood programming is still with you.  It needs to be upgraded because it’s all delusional. It has set up a false narrative for you all of these years.

You Misinterpreted Reality as a Child

 

Even if you had the best parents in the world, by virtue of being a human child, somewhere along the line, you misinterpreted reality because you didn’t have a filter in the form of an EGO until around age 8.
You made things mean things that weren’t true. Alex Loyd, the author of The Healing Code, tells the story of a Ivy League trained woman who kept getting passed up for promotions at her Wall Street job. She came to Alex needing help to get past this.
In doing the process with Alex, she recalled a childhood memory in which her mom gave her sister a popsicle, but she didn’t get one. Her mom had told her that if she ate her lunch, like her sister, she’d get a popsicle too.
In my book, this is decent parenting. Yet our 5-year-old little girl misinterpreted the popsicle injustice as, “I’m not important. I don’t matter.” Alex helped her clear this limiting belief. You know what happened. She got promoted.
In essence, you want to find the harmful beliefs that underlie your current behaviors and triggers. Once you do, then you need to reprogram the belief to one that serves you. However, before you do that, you need to create a safe space within yourself.
A sad woman with a kiss on her fist and looking dumbfounded The words over the images are "The key to getting out of overwhelm is to feel safe."

STEP 2: Create a Safe Space For Yourself

 

Before you begin to process and reprogram all of your childhood beliefs or ones since then, it’s important that you have a felt sense of safety in your body. Otherwise, you may get triggered and overwhelmed by the processing.  The key to getting out of overwhelm is to feel safe.
It’s important to learn to feel safe in your body. As a kid, when things didn’t go the way you wanted, you probably disassociated from your body. Kids don’t know how to process emotion and so often feel frustrated as a result.
As you got older, your EGO or conscious mind developed and you were able to better analyze your environment and assess whether you were in danger. There is a downside to the EGO, though, and that is it becomes normal to “go up into your head,” to escape the pain of feeling too much. So what’s the happy medium?
You need to get back to your body, to feel safe and trust yourself. Only you can do this.
TIP: One super simple way to reconnect with your body (and feel safe) is to put one hand over your heart and the other over your belly. Breathe. Make this a regular practice when you feel you’ve disassociated from your body by numbing out or by going up in your head.
Three female friends happily taking a selfie The words over the images are "Find people who help you to feel safe to be yourself around them."

STEP 3: Create a Sense of Support for Yourself

 

When you’re stressed out, you need a felt sense of support. How do you do this? You find people who help you to feel safe to be yourself around them. Clinically, this is called regulating your nervous system. Of course you have to regulate your own body to feel safe, but others can help you by giving you an outlet to authentically express yourself.

TIP: Find a tribe (it can be one person or a few or many) whom you feel get you and are for you. I’d be honored to be this support for you. I have a knack for creating a safe space where you can learn to trust yourself.

STEP 4: Process All the Limiting Belief Systems (BS)

 

After you feel safe and supported in your body, it will feel like a sigh of relief. Now you’re ready to process the childhood beliefs that told you that you don’t matter. This can take a while. And it goes beyond the scope of this blog. You can seek therapy or coaching. The techniques are endless.

Find someone you trust to take you on this journey. How about me? I’ll hold you in a safe container and won’t judge where you’ve been. It’s all OK. You are OK.

A happy woman wearing a blue blouse is drinking a cup of coffee

Conclusion: You ARE Valuable and Worthy

 

You’ve been programmed to believe that you aren’t enough, pretty enough, smart enough, good enough overall. This is a lie, pure and simple.

By keeping you small, you’ll never be free to be yourself. To begin to change this, it’s important to create a felt sense of safety and support in your body.  Stop ignoring your body–it has ancient wisdom and it’s trying to communicate this to you through physical, emotional and mental pain.

Once you feel safe and supported, now it’s time to open Pandora’s box of limiting beliefs. Don’t let this scare you. Once you feel safe and supported, you will be able to handle the shame that is lurking behind these beliefs.

In Truth, you are lovable, worthy, valuable, and deserving, no matter what you’ve been told up until now.

Action: Let’s discover your highest good together. I’ll hold your hand and lead you back to you. Book your free, Coming Back To Yourself chat now.

Much Love,
Angie Monko,
Guiding Female Coaches & Entrepreneurs to Greater Impact & Income